Please, Just Make It Stop
by VoiceOnPaper
Summary: Rachel had had enough. She now wasn't the confident girl everyone once knew. The comments had done the thing she had once promised would never happen. They had gotten to her. Now hating herself, Rachel resorts to drastic action. As her methods go unnoticed by her peers, will anyone be able to save her from herself before it's too late? WARNING Involves self harm & eating disorders
1. Rachel's Realisation

**Hi all! This is my first fanfiction so don't be too harsh! I've been reading other people's stories for over a year now so I decided to get my finger out and write one myself!**

**Some of this may be triggering for some people, but I will warn you on those chapters. **

**Disclaimer- I do not own Glee. All the characters belong to Ryan Murphy, I only own the plot. **

**Just to be clear, this story is set in season 2, after Quinn had the baby, and after Rachel and Finn broke up. Just in case anyone out there was wondering!**

Rachel had had enough. She was tired of the names, the slushy facials, the overall constant torment. She had just had enough.

She had gotten to school early, to escape the loneliness of her home. Her fathers were, yet again, away on business.

Walking through the empty halls of McKinley High, she wondered what she ever did to deserve any of this. Yes, she could admit she was a little snobby, a little opinionated, even a little critical, but she only wanted her glee club to achieve greatness. She would get to Broadway even if it was the last thing she did.

And then there was Karofsky. She didn't know what she'd done to deserve hell from him. Ever since that first day in middle school he'd tormented her. She never used to be fazed by it, but that was before- before he'd turned the entire school against her- before the torture got worse.

Bringing her out of her trance, she stopped abruptly in the hall as she was greeted with, yet again, a face full of familiar purple ice. As she wiped away the syrup that was stinging her eyes, she looked up to see her attacker.

"Should have been more careful, ManHands" Karofsky sneered.

Rachel looked away, not having the energy to fight anyone.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

Slowly, Rachel raised her head to meet Karofsky's eye.

"On second thoughts... maybe that wasn't such a good idea"

"What's that supposed to mean?" As soon as Rachel asked, she instantly regretted it. Nothing could prepare her for the words that followed.

"Well where do I begin?" Karofsky started "I mean, nobody likes you, hardly anybody ever speaks to you. Though that doesn't surprise me with the sound of your voice. You're a self obsessed little bitch who thinks they're better than everyone else just because you claim to have 'talent'. Well I'm sorry, RuPaul, but with that squawky sound that escapes your mouth you will never and I repeat NEVER make it on Broadway. Oh and not to mention you're a fat worthless slut who will never be able to stay with one guy because you just bounce all over them. I forget, who is it now, Finn or Puck? I just can't seem to keep up nowadays."

Rachel just stood there, stunned, not sure what to say.

"Have I actually just silenced the Berry?" Karofsky went on, before shoving her into the lockers. She fell to the floor. "You get everything you deserve, whore". And with that, he walked away.

Rachel couldn't believe he had just said that to her. Well, she could. She knew the bullying was bad, she just didn't think it could get much worse. She couldn't have been more wrong.

The petite girl scrambled up off of the floor. School would be starting soon and she didn't want to be humiliated further.

Realising she was still covered in purple slushy, she grabbed her spare clothes out of her locker and headed into the bathroom. It wasn't until after she had gotten herself cleaned up, that the reality of what had just happened sunk in.

Her body racked with sobs, Rachel locked herself in the nearest cubicle, unable to bring herself to deal with people. Karofsky's words swam round in her head. "Fat, worthless slut", she recalled. She couldn't get over how straight he'd been with her. She now at least recognised her flaws. She knew everything he'd said was true. She knew she had to change.

**Pretty pretty please review! Let me know if it was good, or so terribe it makes you want to cry! :(**


	2. Bringing up the Past

**Chapter 2! Please let me know what you think!**

**Muchos Love!**

Chapter 2

The bell rang for first lesson, signalling for her to go and get registered. Rachel knew she couldn't go looking like this- mascara dripping down her face.

"I should really invest in waterproof makeup", she thought.

Getting up and out of the cubicle, the small girl walked over to the mirror to fix herself up. Just looking at her reflection, she hated herself. She suddenly wished she could do something about it, but with everything else going on in her life, she couldn't think what.

The late bell rang, pulling her out of her dangerous thoughts.

"Shit!" Rachel exclaimed. The sophomore had a clean attendance record, and didn't want to destroy it now. She scavenged through her bag for her timetable, not remembering where she was.

"Great", she told herself. She was in English. At the other side of the school.

She walked quickly to class, head held high, not showing any signs of the early morning's events. She was strong, Rachel was. As her daddy had always told her, "You're a Berry, and us Berry's never let anything get us down". Besides, she did dream of being on Broadway, and pretending to be happy was the perfect acting exercise.

The brunette walked through the door.

"Sorry I'm late"

"Where have you been?" The teacher asked.

Santana spoke up from the back. "Don't you see, Miss? Our Rachy here hasn't been anywhere. She just walked in late to draw attention to herself. Isn't that right, ManHands?"

Rachel really was sick of Santana. Before she'd been the receiving end of her insults, she had never even spoken to the Latina. She remembers the first time they met...

FLASHBACK

Rachel was ready for her first day of high school. She had spent the weekend getting everything she needed, and she was excited. After all, it was a new school- a chance to re-invent herself. And after a traumatic middle school experience, she knew she had to get creative.

The singer opted for a Barbara Streisand look, since, you know, she was her idol, and walked confidently through the doors of McKinley for the very first time. She walked past a tall, brown haired girl, who she thought to be very pretty. The girl smirked at Rachel. Rachel walked on. The next thing she knew, she was freezing from behind, and then saw the Hispanic girl with an empty cup, howling. Others too, in hysterics, witnessing the beginning of the slushy facials.

BACK IN PRESENT DAY

"Erm, hello? I do believe I asked you a question, RuPaul?" Santana's voice brought Rachel back to reality.

"Huh?" she asked "Oh, yeah, attention seeking. That's what my plan was!" the girl said, sarcastically. No one in the room would ever be able to tell that on the inside, she was hurting.

"Sit down, Rachel" Commanded her English teacher. "The lesson's been interrupted enough already."

As told, she took her seat. "This is going to be a long day", she decided.


	3. They Really Don't Want Me After All

**Here's chapter 3! After this, though, I'll only upload more if I get reviews! I have lots more of this written so please review!**

After her day was filled with insults, insults that became increasingly worse, Rachel was glad to be home. She knew her dads were getting back today and she couldn't wait to see them. They were the only ones who knew that the bullying affected her, and for the past month, they'd been away on business and hadn't been able to help her.

As she pulled up into her driveway, she couldn't help but notice that her dad's car wasn't there. She figured they must've just popped out for some shopping, or maybe they were just running late. That happened sometimes.

Rachel turned the key to let herself in, before tossing them onto the kitchen worktop. She grabbed a drink and made her way up to her bedroom.

Passing the phone in the hallway, she noticed a red light. Pressing play on the answering machine, she listened to the new message.

"Hi Rachel, it's your dad and daddy here. I'm really sorry, baby, but I'm afraid our trip has been extended another 4 months. We've agreed to stay. We're going to be travelling all over the States- isn't that great? Anyway, if you aren't okay with this, just say and we'll come back right away. It's just it's a great financial opportunity and if we don't stay our jobs are on the line. We've put $2000 in your bank account, so that should keep you going for a while. Call us when you get this, honey. We love you".

Rachel slumped. She couldn't believe this. She needed her dads. But she understood that their jobs were important too. She couldn't be selfish. She had to prove to Karofsky that she wasn't just some self-obsessed little bitch.

She picked up her cell and fell onto her bed, dialling her dad, Hiram's number.

"Hi, sweetie" Hiram answered "Did you get our message?"

"Yeah dad, I did. And I just wanted to let you know that it's fine. I don't mind staying here for a while on my own." Rachel managed, trying not to cry.

"Are you sure, sweetie? It's a long time to be on your own. I know you're 16 now, but are you sure?"

"Yes daddy, it's fine". Her voice began to crack. "I'm sure I can manage".

"Oh that's just great, honey! Look, I'm going to have to go now. I'm very busy but I'll call later in the week to check in. Love you, bye!"

"Love yo-" but before she could finish, Hiram had already hung up.

Rachel just broke down, tears taking over her body. She suddenly realised that Karofsky was right after all. She really was worthless. Even to her own fathers. She replayed his words in her mind. What if everything he had said was true? "Fat, worthless slut", he had said. "Fat, worthless slut".

She now knew she was worthless. She could be a slut, she thought, bouncing between Finn and Puck, but was she really that fat? Rachel had always been small, and always took care of her body, with her strict morning regime and vegan diet. But she could have gotten everything wrong, couldn't she?

Rachel walked over to the bathroom that was attached to her bedroom and looked in the mirror.

She looked at her reflection- her vision blurry from the tears she held back but threatened to fall. The brunette blinked them away, making herself clearer. She was appauled with what she saw. Why couldn't she see this before? She had been so obsessed with getting to broadway that she couldn't see what had been in front of her this whole time.

Looking back at her tear-stained face, it clicked with Rachel exactly just what she had to do. She could see her flaws. She knew what she had to do. Picking everything out that she hated, she made a mental list on how to improve her image.

Number 1- she had to get a nose job. Her dads said they had put over 2000 dollars in her bank. Surely that would be enough for a bit of surgery?

Number 2- she would get a new hairstyle. Those bangs made her look like a toddler.

And most importantly number 3- she had to lose weight. Just by looking at her round face, she could tell she was chubby, she just hadn't noticed before. She didn't need to lose much. Just enough to be happy.

Rachel smirked into the mirror before climbing into bed. She wanted to get a good nights sleep before starting her grand scheme...

**Could be triggering after this chapter. Just a word of warning. **

**Did I mention reviews would be nice? I promise I will eventually stop asking for reviews, it's just that since I am new, I obviously need to know what my writing's like. If you have any tips please feel free to PM me. Thanks for reading so far! xxx**


	4. Trying to Change

**Here it is! Chapter 4. Thank you so so much to those who reviewed! It really does mean a lot to me what you think.**

**To the person who asked for Puckleberry, don't worry, that is very much to come. Faberry too! I just can't decide whether to have a Puckleberry releationship and Faberry friendship, or a Faberry relationship and Puckleberry relationship. Let me know what you think for that because I really don't know! **

**Anyways, here goes nothing.**

The next morning, Rachel woke up to the sound of her alarm. She slowly dragged herself out of bed, bracing herself for what laid ahead in her day. This was now a typical morning for Rachel, dreading the day in front of her. She dreaded what people would say to her. She dreaded the humiliation. But most of all, she dreaded the fact that there was no one by her side when she needed help the most. But the singer was determined. She would beat the bullies. She would change their opinions of her. She just had to. She couldn't go on living like this. Living with the shame.

Rachel got herself ready for school, trying to avoid the mirrors in her home. She knew she would look better eventually, but until then, she figured it was best that she didn't torment herself with her own reflection.

Walking down to the kitchen, she slowly made herself some coffee- yesterday's events had drained her. Whilst the kettle was boiling, Rachel remembered that she was supposed to be on a strict diet. "Surely there can't be that many calories in coffee?", she thought to herself. Then she remembered how she piles on in the sugar, not liking the bitter taste of the coffee itself. This was the morning that the vegan started to drink it black for the first time. She hated it. But if it helped, she knew it was neccessary. A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do, you know.

Breakfast. Now what was a good diet breakfast? Rachel realised that she really needed to do some decent research. She didn't know what was low in fat, high in fat, little calories, or a lot of calories. She raided her cupboards- she didn't know what she was allowed. She raided her fridge- but she still didn't know what to have. So she even raided the freezer- but that was no use either. Playing it safe, she chose to skip breakfast. It can't be that important, right? She had never been a big breakfast person anyways.

* * *

On arrival at school, Rachel prepared herself for what was awaiting on the other side of the McKinley doors. She was used to some sort of humiliating greeting by now. But today, before she could even reach the doors, she was hauled into Karofsky and Azimio's arms.

Screaming, both men just laughed at the wriggling girl they were carrying.

"Man, Karofsky, you were right" went Azimio "she really is heavier than she looks".

Rachel stopped squirming. She was trying to change. Was that just not good enough anymore? As her eyes welled up with tears, she was tossed into the dumpster whilst her peers looked on, laughing, not one of them making any effort to help her.

"This is the ultimate humiliation" the small girl believed. This was definetely knew for her. Out of all the slushy's, out of all the verbal bullying, she had never once received the joy of experiencing the thrill of dumpster diving. She couldn't bring herself to face the rest of the day, so she went out to start on her improvements.

Rachel made her way to the salon. She would start with the haircut, easy option first. She made her way through the door.

"Ah Rachel, darling!" the girl really did love her hairdresser. He was very camp, was Leonardo, but unlike most people, he made her feel special. "What will it be today, my love?"

Rachel knew just what was needed.  
"I want rid of my bangs, they make me look 6. Also I need something that will make my face look longer. It's too round".

"Sweetie, what's with all the put downs? You're gorgeous just the way you are!"

Rachel scoffed. Leonardo was lying, she just knew it. He must say this to all of his clients, it's his job to make them feel good.

When he had finished her new do, Rachel was relatively happy and felt much more ready to face the day. She paid Leo, thanking him as she left and made her way back to school.

She arrived just as the bell went for break. Trying to enter the building unnoticed, rachel kept her head down. Big mistake. She bumped right into Santana. Rachel stood. Stood there as tense as a guitar string.

Looking up to give her verdict, she sneered.

"What? Did you actually think a new hairstyle would make you look better?"

Ashamedly, Rachel hung her head.

"I'm sorry, RuPaul, but I'm afraid you're going to have to go for much more drastic measures than that".

However, little to the Latina's knowledge, Rachel already had a plan. As the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures.

"You look like the back end of a poodle", Santana added, before turning hot on her heel down the corridor, leaving Rachel to whollop in her misery.

**Okay- so there's chapter 4! Short, I know, but there we go. Did that rhyme? Hahaha :P Can I just apologise to you all about the language. I'm English, not American, so if there's any Americanisms I have failed miserabely with, can you just let me know and I'll change it? I'm pretty good at making epic fails in life ;)**

**Thanks! xx**


	5. It's Only a Hobby

**Thanks so much to those of you who reviewed! I love hearing your tips on how I can improve this story! In response to the Puckleberry/Faberry dilemma I had going on, based off your reviews I have decided to have a Puckleberry relationship and Faberry friendship. They will come eventually!**

On her arrival home that night, Rachel did a little research. 'How to lose weight', she typed into the search bar. Millions of results swarmed in.

As she looked for tips, there were a few that stood out from the crowd.  
1- cut calories from your diet.  
2- exercise.  
3- chew gum.  
4- drink coffee as an energy replacement.

She could do this. She had done pretty well so far. She had already figured out the coffee trick and as for cutting out calories, well, the girl hadn't eaten since the day before, and it was rolling on 6pm.

Whilst she was on the Internet, she searched for where she could get a nose job. She found a good few places in the area, but as she was about to make the call, Rachel noticed the bold words in the corner.

'Unless you have parental permission, you must be at least 18 to receive any kind of surgery'.

Well then, that silenced her plan.

As desperate as Rachel was, there was no way either of her dads would let her get a nose job. She would just have to put all of her focus onto her body.

Closing down her laptop, Rachel left her room, entering the kitchen to see what she was allowed to make for dinner. As she worked her way through all the cupboards, she realised that food wasn't going to help her. Instead, she grabbed her keys and went for a run.

10 minutes into the run, Rachel was already panting. She realised that she wasn't as fit as she thought. Although she dances a lot, running just isn't her thing.

'It will become my thing', the girl decided. After all, practice makes perfect.

She ran, and ran, and ran, pushing herself so far past exhaustion, she didn't even feel tired anymore. She got so lost into her new hobby that she didn't even realise that it was dark out. 9:30, her watch said. Had she really been running for 2 hours? Turning back on her heel, she ran back home before collapsing onto her bed. Good thing it's not a school night, Rachel thought.

* * *

The next day, Rachel could hardly move her legs. It was the lactic acid. She knew what she had to do to help herself. She had to keep running, else, the pain would just become unbearable.

Everything around her seemed different in the morning. The air seemed fresher, the birds were chirping, and the people seemed much more friendly. It almost put the runner in a good mood.

Again, she ran for hours, not stopping until she felt light-headed. Rachel strolled over to the nearest park bench to sit down, remembering she hadn't actually eaten in 2 days.

She enjoyed watching people in the park. Everyone always seemed so happy. Children playing without a care in the world. Sometimes Rachel wished she could go back to being a child. Go back to a time when everything was simple. Back in the day where no one judged you. Where you could just be yourself. When the only argument would be over who got to play with the doll next.

She felt someone sit down next to her.

"Hi, Rachel"

Rachel looked up to match voice to face. Quinn.

"Oh. Hello, Quinn."

Ever since the baby, the ex head cheerleader wasn't so much HBIC anymore, and although the two weren't exactly friends, they were at least civil with one another.

"I didn't know you ran, Rachel" Quinn observed

"It's something I've only just got into. Just trying it out, I suppose." Well, it was sort of the truth.

There was an awkward silence. The two teenagers had never really had much of a conversation before.

Rachel was the first to speak up.

"So, what brings you here then?"

Quinn sighed. Rachel swore she could see tears welling up in the blonde's eyes.

"If I tell you, you'll think I'm totally mad"

"I won't think that. I know only too well how it feels to be judged. I don't judge people."

Quinn smiled. She had always secretly liked Rachel, though she wouldn't ever admit it. She did feel bad for the girl, though. When she was on the Cheerios, she had made a comment or two, but since then she had apologised and now they weren't exactly what you'd call enemies.

"Sometimes I come here to watch the kids play" Quinn started "I see them with their parents. They idolise them. I always hope that maybe I'll bump into Beth. I know it's a long shot, but I just want to see her look at me with those big blue eyes again, and hold her like I'll never let her go" her bottom lip began to tremble.

"Oh, Quinn" Rachel pulled in the girl for a hug. They sat there for a while, enjoying each others company. Rachel felt an awful lot of sympathy for the blonde. She hated giving up Beth. And she knew that she hated herself for it.

"Look, Rachel," the taller girl started, pulling away "It was nice speaking to you, but I really must go. "

"Okay then" came the reply, Rachel getting up herself "I'd best be off too". She turned to leave.

"Wait, Rachel." she felt Quinn pull her back. "you can't tell anyone what I just told you, you just can't"

"Don't worry Quinn, you can trust me"

And with that Rachel ran home, increasing her speed as she made up for the rest she had earlier.

**And there we have it! Chapter 5!**

**I am sorry that this was kind of a filler, but I need to drag the storyline out a bit to make it more realistic. Rachel's disorder won't just develop overnight. **

**Can I also just say that I do not think in any way shape or form that Lea Michele is fat. I think she is gorgeous and the views I am writing Rachel to think do not reflect my opinion of Lea. Just to make that clear.**

**Reviews? Xxx**


	6. Reaching Insanity

** is chapter 6! I was just wondering, do any of you want me to put Shelby into this? Maybe as another character to help Rachel? I don't know about any of you, but I always kind of liked their relationship :)**

**Also, from here, it could be very triggering for some people. However, I have made this story to try and help people, so I hope I do it justice in the recovery process.**

For the past 6 weeks, Rachel had gone mad. She lived off black coffee. She ran every morning and night. She had been surviving off rice crackers and apples. But most importantly, she had been losing weight.

It was Monday morning, her daily check in on the scales. It started off as a weekly thing, but as the obsession progressed, she wanted to know every day. The small girl stepped on and waited for the verdict. 89 pounds. She had finally cracked the eighties! This was going to be a good day!

She had to spend the morning catching up on homework she had forgot to do, so she left herself with no time to run. She would just have to do it at school.

Rachel spent her lunchtime running laps of the field, making up for lost time. She noticed how she didn't have as much energy for this anymore. However, the girl pushed this thought to the back of her mind as she concentrated on what she would achieve from working out. In her head, formed the image of the perfect body. Perfect top to toe. Every inch the definition of perfection. Perfect hair, perfect face, perfect body. Stunning she was, just stunning. Rachel decided to give the girl a name. Rita she called her. Rachel would be just like Rita.

She could hear shouting across the other side of the track. These people were looking her way. Were they actually cheering her on, she thought? As she ran closer, the singer made the shouting out as a chant. The further she ran, the more she could hear the words. The same words as before. Fat, worthless slut, only this time, in the form of a cheer, led by Satan herself. She recognised Karofsky in the background, clearly pleased with himself. He had obviously put the Cheerios up to this.

Rachel ran faster, trying to block out the words. She thought her new regime was working... 89 pounds... That had to be something. But no one could see this. They all still taunted her. The thing was though, they all underestimated the talented girl. She would stop at nothing to show them they're wrong. And then there was the problem- Rachel was shrinking by the minute, but all she could hear was "fat, worthless slut". She kept on running...

It started to rain, the wind picked up, making life ten times harder for Rachel. Wet leaves were blowing in her face. Soaked through hair everywhere. Wind so strong she was almost knocked over several times. What a way to reflect her mood.

The now exhausted teen used her legs like her life depended on it. She had to show her spectators that she wasn't what they thought. She needed to prove that she wasn't fat. The more she ran, Rachel figured, the thinner she would become.

The girl ran until the bell had long gone. She hadn't even realised- she was just so lost in the rhythm of her feet against the hard track.

As she finally stopped for a rest, she noticed how quiet it had gotten outside. And just how late she was for Glee.

Panting, a very sodden, very sweaty Rachel entered the room, 11 faces, 12 including Mr Schue's, staring at her.

"Where have you been, Rachel?!" the teacher enquired "class started 15 minutes ago."

Everyone turned to see her response, expecting a full on rant.

"I was just outside running and I guess I lost track of time. Sorry."

The glee clubbers couldn't believe that the normally very outspoken girl had just given a straightforward answer. Or that she was running in the pissing down rain.

"Now look here, diva" piped up Mercedes "you have a go at us to get here on time, and here you are, late because you were running?! I'm sorry girl, but that's just not on! What's it you always say to us when you're late again?"

"If you don't want to be here, and get here when you're meant to..." Kurt stepped in.

"Then you know where the door is!" chorused the entire club.

Rachel was stunned. Using her quotes against her like that. It appeared that even her Glee club, the one place she felt at home, didn't want her either.

"This would never happen to Rita", thought the lost girl.

She took her seat, keeping her head high, but trying to keep the tears held back. She couldn't let them see the hurt that was on the inside, she just couldn't.

However, unaware of her surroundings as she listened to Mr Schue's lecture, she couldn't see that Quinn was watching her. She knew something wasn't right with the girl. She knew it wasn't normal for Rachel to be late, and ignore her peers for that matter. Whatever it was that was going on, Quinn was determined to find out.

**Reviews please? It is your reviews that keep me motivated to write this story, so if you want more, keep them up! I love you all! 3 xx**


	7. But, We Were So Good Together

**Lots of love to the people who send me reviews! For the people who reviewed- thank you for your help. I have decided to include Shelby later on, and I think I will put in Mr Schue and Miss Pillsbury helping Rachel, but later on. **

**Also, I'm thinking about writing another story to run alongside this one, maybe about domestic violence or a teenage pregnancy? What do you think? If you want another story, let me know. If you have any ideas for me, let me know that, too!**

The bell signalled the end of Glee. Rachel couldn't wait to get out of there. She knew when she wasn't wanted. She'd have walked out earlier if she could have, but that would've drawn attention to herself, and that would have made her an attention seeker. And that would have just been another thing for the bullies to use against her.

Practically legging it from the room, Rachel heard her name being yelled as she was pulled aside by the one and only, Noah Puckerman.

Since dating the bad boy, there had been a sense of uneasiness that surrounded the pair. It seemed impossible for them to have a normal conversation. It was just too awkward.

"I'm sorry". He said.

"Sorry? What are you sorry for?". Rachel was obviously confused. Noah was obviously holding back.

"For everything. I don't really know where to start to be honest. I'm sorry for our break up. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. I'm sorry for what just happened in glee. I'm just really, really sorry".

Rachel was speechless. Nobody had ever given her an apology like that before.

"It's okay, Noah. It was my fault we broke up. Me and Finn anyways. You've apologised enough for hurting me in the past. What's done is done. And as for them, well if they don't want me, then they don't have to have me..."

"Rach, what's that supposed to mean?"

She shrugged. She couldn't really answer that one. She couldn't let on to how she really felt.

"Okay... Anyhow... I was also just wondering if maybe... Erm, how do I put this...?" Noah had always been awkward about liking Rachel. For some reason, he wasn't the cocky bad ass around her like he was with the other girls. "Do you think that, maybe, you'd like to go and catch a movie on Friday night?"

"Wow" thought the shocked girl. She really wasn't expecting that. She paused to think about it. She had always liked Noah. Her Noah...

RACHEL's POV  
Was I really here again? About to accept an offer for a date with Noah? I'd really liked him back when we were dating, but I'd messed that up big style by going back to Finn. There's another who didn't want me. Why is it that I'm such a fail in life?

He was always so lovely to me. He'd go out of his way on dates. Insisting to pay for everything, giving me the bigger half of the cake, opening doors for me. He was just the perfect gentlemen. But when we broke up, it all changed. He went back to Puck. Not Noah. Not they guy I knew.

Oh my God. I get it now. It all makes so much more sense to me now. This is just another set up. Another way to humiliate me. Why is the entire world against me?

"I'm sorry, Noah, but I can't."

"But why, Rach? We were so good together." The boy was crushed.

"I just can't..." told an upset Rachel. She couldn't believe people would stoop so low.

Rachel turned, walking away from Noah. He didn't want her. He wanted what he wanted her to be. That's right, he wanted Rita.

"Rachel!" Noah called "baby..."

And then she saw it. The sincerity in his eyes. How hurt he was.

She had really messed up this time.

Now crying, she ran all the way home in the rain. Yes, it was still raining. She couldn't believe she had just pushed away the one person she had ever truly loved. He would never want her back now.

* * *

Puck was safe to say, distraught.  
It was unreal how much he loved the girl who had just walked away from him. His Jewish American Princess, she was. If only she could see that. He thought about what she had said. "Well if they don't want me, they don't have to have me," he recalled her saying. What did she mean by that? One thing was for sure, it sounded very dark, very deep. Noah feared for her, he really did. He had to help the girl.

**Okay so I know it was kinda short! But it was Puckleberry! Well... sorta... **


	8. All it Takes

**Here's chapter 8! **

**I have a bone to pick with all of you. You still haven't told me if you guys want me to write another story! Please tell me if you do and what you want me to write about. I'm not starting another unless you want one.**

As soon as Rachel arrived home, she ran straight up to her room. Lying on her bed in her drowned clothes, she let her sorrow take over her. She knew she couldn't go crawling all the way back to Noah- he would never want her back after the scene she had just created. But who really wanted her anyways?

She thought about their relationship. It was a short one, but it was a good one. The couple were so loved up when they were together. As Rachel described him earlier, Noah was the perfect gentlemen. She compared this to her time with Finn. Finn was never that good to her. They loved each other, but she never really saw him as "the one". Unlike Noah. Her Noah. That mowhawk of his, she loved. The smile, she loved. And his voice, well, that just goes without saying. Mulling this over, Rachel realised just how much she had fucked up.

The distraught girl was freezing. It shouldn't have surprised her- she no longer had much body fat to keep her warm. She obviously didn't see it like that, though. If she was warm, she had fat. If she had fat, she was worth nothing.

Rachel made her way to the shower in her bathroom. Stripping off her clothes, she began to prod and poke every tiny bit of fat on her body. After all, she still needed to do some work. A lot of work at that. Well, so she saw.

She was intelligent, was Rachel. But she wasn't eating. The lack of food was altering the way she saw herself. In reality, she was practically a human skeleton, but looking in the mirror, she saw a hippo.

As she looked in the mirror, the confused teen let out a scream in anger. 'Why can't I do anything right?!', she yelled at her reflection. 'You are pathetic. You are worthless. You mean absolutely nothing in this world!"  
On saying this final line, Rachel rammed her hand into the mirror, shattering her reflection into a million miniature pieces all over the floor. Rachel fell to the ground with it, crying amongst the glass.

She picked up one of the small shards, studying it closely. She'd heard about people who do this. Heard that it gives you a release, an escape, from whatever hell you may be living in. The girl had heard the stories many times.

Looking at the glass in her hand, she debated whether or not to go through with this. Her fathers would be distraught if they found out- but who were they to judge? They were the ones to leave her. They were the ones who had decided she wasn't important enough that she needed company.

In her head, she could hear a voice.

"Do it". The voice whispered. "Go on... Just one quick movement is all it takes. If you can't be the best, perfect, like me, then you must be punished. You are nothing, Rachel, nothing..." It sounded haunting.

Rachel realised who the voice was. Rita. The voice was Rita. Rachel trusted Rita. She had to. Rita was on her side. She was trying to get her to be just as perfect. That's right, Rachel would listen to Rita.

The girl moved the blade to the skin on her wrist. She was nervous, not sure if it was something she should really do. But Rita would never be wrong. She was much too perfect for that. Applying more pressure, Rachel watched in pleasure as the deep, red blood oozed from her flesh. It didn't hurt- not that much. It was a strange sensation. She knew it should have caused her pain, but instead, it caused her a brief few minutes of joy as she watched herself bleed. It made her forget. Rachel was focusing on the new slice in her arm rather than the emotional turmoil she was putting herself through. It felt good, did the release.

The now much happier girl finally climbed into the hot shower, hissing as the water collided with her cut, making it sting like crazy. Once she had gotten herself cleaned up, she put on a gauze pad to stop it from re opening and climbed into bed, happier than she'd felt in weeks.

**So there we go! This will be the beginning of Rachel's serious issues. I don't have any experience with self harm, so if there is any tips you would be able to give me to help me write about this topic, that would really help me. Xxx**


	9. Standing Up

**Okay so here's the next one- hopefully I'll start making up for the previous short chapters.**

**Also, thank you so so so much for reviewing! I appreciate the tips. But I still need ideas for a new story! Let me know please!**

Rachel had spent the weekend enjoying the comfort of her new found release. The past two days she had spent locked away in her dark bedroom, crying and listening to depressing music on her iPod. She was all packed for school, her bag now funding her new addiction. Now in her school bag, Rachel had hidden razors in various places, alongside antiseptic cream, wipes and gauze pads. After spending the weekend doing the only thing that makes her feel better, she wasn't sure she could manage the entire school day with making a slice in her skin.

When Rachel left the house for school, the morning light hurt her eyes, after staying in the dark for so long.

As she was collecting her books from her locker, the girl thought about what she would do upon seeing Noah. She didn't really want to talk to him- not after she realised how much she had hurt him. She hated apologies. They were awkward and difficult. Speaking of the devil, the boy in question headed towards Rachel. She ignored him. Puck grunted, trying to make his presence aware. Rachel knew she would have to face him sooner or later.

Just when she was about to speak, Finn walked up to the pair, knuckle punching Puck as he did so.

"Hey, Puckerman. Coach Beiste wants to see you. Something about the game on Friday".

"Oh" Puck looked disheartened. He finally thought he'd get to speak to Rachel- find out what was going on with her.  
"I'd best be off then. See you around, Rach".

"What did she want him for?" Rachel enquired, as he walked away. Even though she was depressed, she had to at least try and be social. She couldn't afford to let anybody let on to her little secret.

"Nothing. I just wanted him out of the way so we could talk."

Rachel was confused. They hadn't had a proper conversation since their break up.  
Seeing her confusion, Finn spoke up.

"Puck's bad news, Rachel. He is trouble. I can tell he wants you back, but I'm warning you, stay away"

"I can make my own mistakes, can't I?"

Rachel was sick of people telling her what to do. She knew she couldn't go back to Noah anyways, not after what she had done. With her final words, she walked away from Finn, bumping right into Karofsky. Luck was really on her side today!

Karofsky pinned her against the lockers, glaring at her. He studied her for a second, sympathy almost washing over him. That was until he realised that he held superiority over Rachel. That he could being her down with just the click of his fingers. He liked the way that felt.

"What the fuck happened to you, whore? You look like a train wreck. What the hell have you been doing to look like that?! You look even worse than ever."

Rachel had had enough of these comments. She had tried so hard to get where she was. She ran. She was pretty much now all muscle, well, when you see past the bone. 70 pounds, was all she weighed now. The girl hadn't eaten a meal in 2 months. It was definitely showing on her.

"You know what Karofsky?" she started "I am sick to the death of you treating me this way! You have no idea of the he'll you've put me through. Absolutely no idea!"

Her peers looked on, not believing that Rachel was fighting back this way.

"None of you do!" she went on. "So, you know what? You can go and stuff yourselves. All of you can!"  
And with that, she kneed Karofsky in the groin before punching him in the face.

"You fucking bitch! You think you can do that to me?! You are seriously going to regret that you ever did that!"

Rachel didn't care. She already hated herself. She was already hurting herself. Nothing anyone did or said would be able to faze her anymore. Maybe trigger her to cut, yes, but emotionally, words could no longer hurt her. After all, each scar was a reminder of each word she had ever been called.  
Anyways, maybe now she had finally given him a portion of the misery he had dished out to her for years.

The girl ran for the girl's bathroom, desperately feeling the need to cut. She locked herself away in a cubicle, rolling up her sleeves. She soon realised she was running out of room, and would have to start on a new, blank canvas. Rachel saw her cuts as art, each one another step forward in completing her masterpiece. For now, though, whilst she was at school, she would just fill up her arms, making sure all was done and all evidence was removed before next period.

**Please review! Pretty pretty please with cherries on top? They are my only motivation to keep writing!**


	10. My Lifeline

**Okay so I've been given requests by a guest review for a happier Puckleberry story with Marley and Jake. I don't actually know who Marley and Jake really are as we haven't got series 4 of Glee over here in England yet *sobs*. If you can wait until January, I can make it my mission to get it done- although, I do find happy stories hard to right. **

**Anyways, enough of that- I present to you, Chapter 10!**

**Oh, and for the record, I do not own the song, I'm With You, by Avril Lavinge. I love that song so much! Feeling positive today ;)**

Later on that same day, Rachel felt much better after she had cut. She was walking down the hall to her Biology lesson when Finn came strolling up to her.

"Stay away from me Finn, I don't want to hear it". She was sick of people trying to run her life for her.

"Actually, Rachel, I wasn't going to say anything about you and Puck".

"What did you want then?" She didn't understand the boy in front of her. They hadn't really spoke since their break up, so why was he trying to start now?

"I wanted to talk about us".

Rachel huffed, trying to walk away.

"No, Rach, just listen. Give me two minutes."

Two minutes. A lot could happen in two minutes.

"Okay, then. Fine. Two minutes. Go".

"I don't really know where to start, to be honest." Finn hesitated. "It's just, ever since we broke up, I've regretted it so so much. The thing is Rachel, I guess, I'm still in love with you."

First Puck, then Finn? What was this? Mess with Rachel week?

"I'm sorry, Finn, but there is no us anymore. Even if I have just ruined it with him, I think I like Noah." Rachel hit him with the harsh reality, hoping he would get the message. He didn't. Instead, he pulled Rachel closer, and kissed her.

"You're much better off with me than Puck". He finished the kiss.

"You don't know that. How can you compare us with what me and Noah had?"

"I know love when I see it" Finn started. "And I can tell what you think you have with Puck isn't love." He was blunt.

"But..." Finn cut her off.

"Look, Rachel. I'm just gonna come right out and say it. Puck doesn't want you. And before you ask how I know that, I saw Puck flirting with Santana. She was all googley eyed in the way she is when she knows she's about to get laid."

Rachel looked upset. She had thought Noah was serious about getting back with her.

"I'm not lying to you Rach, I know what a horny Santana looks like- I should know". He winked at her and walked away, but not before telling her, "Call me if you change your mind".

Of course, little to Rachel's knowledge what Finn had just told her was bullshit. But she didn't know what to believe anymore. She knew people liked to mess with her, but Finn had seemed genuine. Even about their relationship. Yet that didn't mean she saw it that way. Everyone was just kicking Rachel when she was down.

Seeking refuge from everyone, Rachel headed into the audotorium.

She felt so alone. Nobody wanted her. Those who she thought once did, were turning on her, messing with her head. Only Rita was on her side, her razor her only friend.

Breaking into song, she expressed her feelings.

**I'm  
standin' on the bridge  
I'm waitin' in the dark  
I thought that you'd be  
here by now  
There's nothing but the rain  
No footsteps on the ground  
I'm  
listening but there's no sound**

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?  
Won't  
somebody come take me home?  
It's a damn cold night  
I'm tryin' to figure  
out this life  
Won't you take me by the hand?  
Take me somewhere new  
I  
don't know who you are  
But I'm, I'm with you  
I'm with you  
Hmm hmm  
hmm

I'm looking for a place  
I'm searching for a face  
Is anybody  
here I know?  
'Cause nothing's going right  
And everything's a mess  
And  
no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?  
Won't  
somebody come take me home?  
It's a damn cold night  
I try to figure out this life  
Won't you take me by the hand?  
Take me  
somewhere new  
I don't know who you are  
But I'm, I'm with you  
I'm with  
you  
Yea yea

Oh, why is everything so confusing?  
Maybe I'm just out  
of my mind  
Yea eee yeah, yea eee yeah  
Yea yee yea, yea eee  
yeah,yeah

It's a damn cold night  
Tryin' to figure out this  
life  
Won't you take me by the hand?  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know  
who you are  
But I'm, I'm with you, yea  
I'm with you, yea

Take me by  
the hand  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know who you are  
But I'm, I'm  
with you, yea  
I'm with you, yea

Take me by the hand  
Take me  
somewhere new  
I don't know who you are  
But I'm, I'm with you, oh  
I'm  
with you  
I'm with you

Unbeknown to Rachel, Puck was sitting hiding at the back of the room. He had saw the entire performance. He had saw the emotion Rachel had just let out. He had saw the tears that were currently streaming down her face.

The small girl left out of the back of the hall, going home. She was tired of feeling like the whole world is against her.

* * *

On her arrival, she changed into really skimpy clothes and grabbed her razor. She had no room on her arms, so she would just have to start cutting elsewhere. Rachel looked down at herself. Now, what would be the easiest to cover up? Not her legs, she wears short skirts every day. Stomach? She was never really one for crop tops, and in summer, she could always just wear a one-piece? Yes, that was a good idea.

She moved her blade to the surface of her concave tummy. She liked the way it felt on her belly- more skin to cut into than her arms. She could make them longer, she could make shapes, she could even write words. Time to get creative.

By the time the girl had finished, she had cut deeper than ever before, and carved into her flesh was the word, "unwanted". Fitting, she thought.

She felt sleepy after finishing. It was a nice feeling, she felt floaty, like her head was in the clouds, not having to worry about a care in the world. This was how Rachel fell asleep. On her bathroom floor, clutching her razor tightly. Like it was her lifeline.

**Hope you liked it! Make sure to check out my other story, Love Hurts, and just remember, by reviewing, you are making a difference in this cruel world ;)**


	11. She Looks Terrible

**Next chapter's up! Daily updates are getting really hard- I've been really busy lately. That on the top of schoolwork for my GCSEs, so I might not be able to update as often. I promise I will when I can though.**

When Rachel came round from her sleep, her head was throbbing from sleeping on the cold hard Lino all night. As she raised her hand to her head, she noticed her hand was covered in blood. Some dry, some from her still bleeding cut. Maybe sleeping with the razor wasn't such a good idea.

That's going to take some lying about at school, she thought.

Rachel stood up, to make her way to her bedroom. The girl struggled to stand, her cuts were hurting her so much. She felt so down yesterday, that she hadn't really bothered to clean them up properly, and in result bled through the night.

Because of the amount of cuts she had sliced into her stomach, Rachel realised that this time a gauze pad just wasn't going to be enough.

Ratching through her medicine cupboard, the only thing she found that would be sufficient enough was one of those really long wrap-around bandages. She had cut so much of her tummy, that it took up the entire thing.

Rachel went to her room to get ready. The first thing she had noticed was her clock. 10am, it read. She had overslept. She was late.

For the next half hour, Rachel rushed around to get herself sorted, trying to make herself look better and choosing clothes that would easily cover her many red marks. Once again- for the, how many times now?- the girl skipped breakfast, taking nothing more than a black coffee. At least she actually had an excuse today- she just genuinely didn't have time.

She arrived in school just in time for third period. Glee club. There was once a time where she got excited for this lesson, but now, after everything they'd ever said to her, she couldn't care less about the subject. The only reason for her staying in this class is to up her chances of making it onto Broadway.

Obviously, after the morning's events, Rachel was last to arrive in glee. She wasn't late, though, Mr Schue was still yet to come, but her not being first there like usual, sparked up some remarks.

"Where have you been all morning, Rach?" That was Puck. She ignored him. She wanted nothing to do with the man whore.

Rachel took a seat at the back of the room.

Quinn turned around, asking her, "are you okay?"

The brunette nodded, flashing Quinn a small, weak smile.

Quinn turned around to face the front again. She knew something was wrong with Rachel, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.  
Puck, on the other side of the room, was thinking the same. He had heard the song she had sang. Did she mean what she had sung? About being unloved, unwanted? Why couldn't she see the love he held for her? Why was she ignoring him when he tried to talk? Sometimes, Puck just didn't understand women.

* * *

Eventually, Mr Schue decided to finally show up for Glee. They were practicing for Sectionals today- the competition was right around the corner. They started rehearsals of the group number, Santana singing lead. Valerie, they were singing, by Amy Winehouse.

The song was going really well. Santana was doing a really great job singing lead for the first time, despite everything Rachel had said at first about her not being talented enough. The group went through the number quite a few times, trying to perfect it. Brittany and Mike's choreography was going amazing. The pair really did have oodles of skill. It wasn't an easy dance, they made sure of that. They had to pull out all the stops to make sure they would win. They couldn't afford to lose.

The rehearsal was physically draining for Rachel. She thought she should have been fit from all the running she does. But not eating was really taking it's toll on the girl. She didn't have the energy for this anymore. Of course, she didn't realise this. Maybe I'm just running too much, she thought. It couldn't possibly be her diet, she was still much too fat for it to be that.

After dancing around for what? The tenth run-through?, Rachel couldn't think straight anymore. Her head began to spin, she started to lose her balancing, knocking into Tina.

"Ow, Rachel." Tina said. "Watch where you're going".

Rachel said nothing in reply. She never heard the Asian girl. Instead, she kept on wobbling around the room before her world went black. Rachel fell to the ground, sparking up screams and gasps around the room.

Quinn rushed to Rachel's side, shaking the unconcious girl.

"Rachel!" She yelled "Rachel!"

Nothing. Not even a stir. She was out cold.

Mr Schue pushed passed the crowd of teenagers. "Just step back, give her some air". He tried to remain calm for his kids, but on the inside he was panicking. He knelt down by Rachel, next to Quinn, shocked by what he saw.

"Okay guys, everybody out. You don't need to see this." The teacher kept charge amongst the lesson.

As he walked out, Puck seriously began to question what was going on with Rachel.

* * *

Quinn looked from the teacher, back to Rachel. "She looks terrible".

"I know, Quinn. I know."

"I don't know what's going on with her, sir. She's been acting so strangely lately."

"I've noticed that too. I thought it might just have been a phase. Now I'm not so sure."

The pair noticed how incredibly gaunt Rachel looked. She had bags under her eyes down to her neck, her cheek bones sunk, her collar bone was prominent. Even her hair, Quinn noticed, had lost all of it's previous shine. She once had gorgeous hair, the girl thought.

"I'll talk to her, Mr Schue. It might not be anything serious. Maybe we're just thinking the worst."

The two saw Rachel stir, her eyes opening. "What happened?", she asked

**Reviews make me happy! Oh, and thank you for all the reviews you've sent me- they've been really helpful so thank you lots!**


	12. Coming Around

**Sorry for the supery dupery mega-short chapter here. It's kind of a filler but I need it to move the story on. Apologies! I accidently upadated chapter 14 before, so I am very very sorry for those of you who read it because it would have made no sense at all. I'm sorry about that but it's Tuesday and I'm knackered. I don't like Tuesdays.**

"What happened?", Rachel asked as she came round.

"We were in glee rehearsal and you fainted, sweetie", Quinn explained.

"Oh".

"How are you feeling, Rachel?" Mr Schue asked. He was a caring man and only wanted best for his kids.

"Okay, I guess." She tried to stand up, but her legs gave way and she fell back down again. The girl grunted in frustration.

"It's okay Rachel, we'll help you get to a chair."

Quinn and Mr Schue put their arms around Rachel to guide her to the chair. They didn't want to cause her any more harm.

"Do you want to go home?", the man enquired.

"Yeah, I think so. I don't really feel up to the rest of the day." At least if she went home, she would be able to go and cut in peace.

"Okay, I'll let your teachers know. Do you want Quinn to drive you?"

"Yeah, that would be great, if it's okay with you though Quinn?" She didn't want to cause any trouble.

"Don't worry about it, Rach, let's go. My car's out front".

* * *

On the ride to Rachel's house, Quinn wanted to ask her what was going on, but was unsure how to phrase it. She didn't want to upset the girl in case it was anything serious.

"Erm, Rachel...can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure. What is it?"

"Okay, so... I'm not really sure how to put this, but..." Quinn was hesitant. She didn't want to push Rachel further away.

"But what, Quinn?"

"It's just, is everything okay? With you, I mean? You've been acting really wierd lately." There. She'd finally said it.

"I don't know what you mean, Quinn. I'm just the same as ever." Rachel was really putting her acting skills to the test. "I'm such a good liar", the girl thought.

"No you're not. You don't fight people in glee anymore for solos. You've stopped ranting. That smile you're always wearing just seem plastered on across your face. And not to mention you look really ill."

"Well, I did just pass out, " She chuckled, making light of the situation.

"I'm serious, Rach. Please let me help you. Let me in".

"There's nothing to help me with. I'm perfectly fine." They pulled up on Rachel's drive "Honest. I'm fine. I just don't feel too good, that's all"

Rachel got out of the car, Quinn hot on her heels.

"Rachel, wait." The girl in question turned around. "Do you want me to stay with you until your gets get home?"

"No it's okay, I'll be fine. They'll be in soon anyways". She was getting really good at the whole lying thing. But she didn't want Quinn to worry. Not that she would anyways. She only gave her a ride home because Mr Schue told her too. "Thanks for the ride, though. See you tomorrow".

"Yeah, see you". Quinn turned back to her car, feeling like a failure. "There's more to that girl than she lets on", Quinn thought.


	13. What have I done?

**Here's another update! Call it an apology for yesterday's epic fail! **

**I realised I'd updated the wrong chapter about an hour after I uploaded it, so there was about 100 views. If you are one of the 100 people who read the wrong chapter, I'd advise you to go back and read it again, as it was obviously the wrong one. What can I say? I AM AN IDIOT. **

**On a lighter note, OH MY GOD the reviews! Thanks so so so much to everyone who reviewed, I really love hearing your feedback as it really helps with the story! Keep it up! xxx**

Rachel's 6:30 alarm signalled the start of the new school day. She woke up with a splitting headache, which made her remember yesterday's turn of events. Quinn was on to her, and she wasn't sure how she was going to handle anything the girl would say to her.

Begrudgingly, she hauled herself out of bed and onto her elliptical. It hurt, with all of the cuts she had made, but Rachel wasn't one to break a routine.

After a vigorous workout, a sweaty Rachel climbed into the shower to freshen up. As she saw the blood streaming down her body, she realised that her exercising maybe wasn't the best idea. Her cuts had opened up.

With the amount of blood she had to stop, Rachel was running late for school, so she rushed around for the rest of the morning just so she could arrive on time. The girl couldn't really afford another late mark on her record.

First period was Glee. Rachel was unsure how she would be greeted after her collapsing yesterday.

"Oh, look, there she is". Mercedes was good at pointing out the obvious.

"Ah, yes. We were just discussing your latest little attention stunt." Santana never was any good at sparing peoples feelings.

"Wait, you think me fainting yesterday was all for attention?"

"Is there really any other explanation?" Santana asked.

Quinn piped up, coming to the rescue.

"Look, Satan, how does that even make sense? She must have a pretty well timed body clock to have the ability to pass out on cue. I guess she's a better actress than we all thought". Rachel kind of loved the sarcasm at the end there.

"So now you're helping ManHands, Tubbers?"

Quinn sat down, signalling for me to join her. She didn't really want to create a scene.

* * *

It was dress rehearsal in glee, to prepare for sectionals the following week. As soon as Mr Schue announced this, Rachel panicked.

"How will I ever cover my cuts in that dress?" she thought.

She made a good start, excusing herself to the bathroom to change.  
As she stood there in the cubicle, arms showing, she wondered how she was going to get out of this one.

Rachel had came to school in a zip up hoody, so she threw it on, left it unzipped, and decided that it would just have to do. Making her way back into the choir room, she hoped for the best.

"Rachel this is a dress rehearsal", said Mr Schue, putting emphasis on 'dress', "so that means you can't wear your jacket."

"Mr Schuester, just for the record, I am not taking this jacket off. It's absolutely freezing in that audotaurium, so in what world does it make sense to go all bare-armed. If the guys get long sleeves, then I will too."

"Rachel, I am the teacher, so you will do as I say."

"No! I am sick of being treated like shit in this club! Either the jacket stays, or I go. And good luck with trying to find a replacement for my solo." She felt triumphant, saying this. It was a nice feeling, accomplishment was.

"Fine then", the teacher agreed, "but not for sectionals itself.

Rachel smiled to herself, happy dancing in her mind. She knew she needed a plan for sectionals, though.

* * *

All in all, it was a pretty good rehearsal, and the glee club were ready to take sectionals by storm. They knew in a weeks time they'd prepare for regionals, there was no question about it really.

Throughout practicing, Quinn couldn't help but notice the way Rachel's dress hung off her body. She knew Rachel had always had a tiny frame, but now she seemed skinny beyond belief. When the dresses were first ordered, it was Quinn who took down people's sizes for an outfit that would fit, and she remembered how Rachel was just a tiny size 2. It didn't worry her, though, not with her small height.

She was however, getting worried now. Surely its not normal for a size 2 to hang off a person, no matter how small, right?

Another thing the blonde noticed was how sweaty Rachel seemed to be by the end of the lesson. If she was that hot, then why wasn't she taking off her jacket?

There really wasn't something right with that girl. It was time for confrontation- again.

"Hey Rachel," Quinn called over, "are you okay, you look really clammy."

"Yes, Quinn I'm perfectly fine. I can assure you its only natural for a person to get hot after exercise." She was putting up her front again.

"Rach, please take your jacket off. You'll past out again from heat exhaustion. I don't want to see that again."

"No, just trust me, I'm fine okay?" Rachel huffed. She was getting really annoyed by Quinn's observations.

"Rachel, you're not fine. You're sweating like a pig. Now, take off you're jacket."

"How about no?"

Quinn was starting to feel really pissed off at Rachel's attitude. She never normally spoke like this, so why the sudden change? Quinn grabbed at Rachel's sleeves, trying to put her point across.

What the blonde didn't expect was Rachel's reaction. She gave out a loud yelp before screaming, "No! I thought I already said that! Who are you to question what I do?!"

Puck came running over, finding an angry Rachel and an extremely startled Quinn.

"What's going on?", he asked.

"And you!" Rachel's anger was slowly increasing, as though she was about to explode at any moment. "Don't even get me started on you! You're a filthy, dirty slag of a man-whore. I really can't believe you would do that to me!"

"Rach, baby, what are you talking about?" He kept calm. He knew never to piss off an angry Berry.

"Don't act like you don't know! Trying to get with me and then flirting with Santana and trying to pull her behind my back! And I actually thought you were being serious about us..." Her voice trailed off.

"Seriously, Rachel, I really don't know what you're talking about. I love you, I've told you that. I would never... not for you anyways."

Rachel studied Puck, noting the sincerity. She didn't know what to believe anymore.

"But Finn said..."

"Finn said what, Rachel?" Puck's anger was on the rise.

"He told me that you were no good for me, that I'm better off with him. Told me that you were sleeping with Santana behind my back and then he kissed me."

"He did WHAT?!" Puck stormed over to Finn, before pounding him into the ground. "You, Hudson, will stay away from my girl, you hear me?! One conversation, you're over the line, one touch, you're over the line, hell you even just glance her way, and you have crossed the line. Do I make myself clear?"

Finn nodded, to stunned to speak.

"Noah... you know I don't condone violence." Rachel was the one to break the tension.

"I'm sorry, baby..."

"I'm not you're baby... I'm nobody's... no one wants me," Rachel squeaked out. As soon as she said this, she knew she had said too much, and so fled the room.

* * *

Everyone stood there, speechless. Rachel had just sounded so... broken. They had never seen her vulnerable side before.

"Something's wrong with Rachel." Brittany spoke up. She had never been the brightest tool in the box, but she knew people. She knew feelings.

Quinn was the one to reply. "I know, Britt, I know..."


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm sorry about this, but it's just a tincy tiny chapter chapter to move the story on. At least it's an update though!**

**Also, I'm seriously starting to struggle with lots of updates. What do you think about me making it a weekly thing? An update every Sunday? Just that way I have more time to write a good chapter rather than a short one like this. I'm not kidding when I say I was doing schoolwork for 6 hours today :'( Gotta love it! **

**Anyways here it is- let me know what you think about weekly updates please!**

Rachel couldn't believe what she had just done. She had pretty much just given out a cry for help. She didn't want help, though, she wasn't ready to stop, didn't want to stop. She just wanted to fade into the darkness. She vowed to be more careful in the future- another slip up like that and her whole secret would come to light.

* * *

Quinn and Puck were becoming increasingly worried. They knew that if Brittany thought there was something wrong, then there must be something wrong. The dancer was amazing at reading people.

"What do we do, Puck?" Quinn asked. "I know you care about her- love her even- but whatever it is that's wrong with her, she can't see that."

"I know- I really do love her. Why don't we just talk to her? Maybe it's not as bad as we think."

"I've tried. She slammed a door in my face. She doesn't talk. There's definitely something going on, though."

"Was she trying to hide something?" The mohawked boy enquired. "It's just, she was wearing a jacket, in a dress rehearsal, where we were doing pretty intense exercise. Not to mention that it's like 90 degrees out."

"She seemed to be." Quinn started "Even though it was obvious she was too hot, she refused to take it off."

Puck's eyes widened.

"You don't think..."

"Think what, Puck?"

"No... it doesn't matter. She won't be doing that."

"Doing what? Tell me, Puck. You're scaring me."

"You don't think, maybe, Rachel's cutting herself do you?"

Quinn's expression mirrored Puck's at the sudden realisation.

"Oh my God. Maybe she is..."


	15. Sick for you

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I'm seriously loving all of your feedback and felt like you guys deserve another chapter!**

**Enjoy! Xxx**

While Quinn and Puck were worried sick for their diva friend, Rachel wasn't doing anything in order to aid her situation.

When she got home after realising just what a huge mistake she had made, she felt even worse about herself. What would happen if everyone knew her secret? She just wouldn't be able to handle that.

Rachel walked into the kitchen to make herself a drink. Opening the freezer to get some ice, she couldn't help but notice the giant chocolate cake staring back at her. Since when was that in there?

Her mouth watered and her stomach grumbled at the sight of the sugary goodness haunting her. Surely a small piece couldn't hurt, right?

Wrong.

Rachel took out a knife, cutting a slither of a slice and demolishing it. What? She hadn't eaten properly in 2 months. She was allowed to act that way. The thing was, though, once she started, she wasn't able to stop. Remembering how good the cake tasted, how good it felt to replace energy, she kept going, eating mouthfull after mouthfull until the entire cake was gone.

_Oh god. What have I done? All that work... and now... There must be a way back. There must be a loophole for this. Sweet Jesus... how many calories was in that, that, THING?_

In her room, Rachel stripped down to her underwear, staring at herself in the mirror. She saw how her stomach now stuck out slightly. By no means was she fat, it was still disgustingly concave, but Rachel couldn't see it like this. For all she knew, she had just eaten the equivilant of the entire world.

She sucked in, wishing she could turn back the clock to the time where there was no cake swimming around inside her. If only it were possible to get rid of all this junk, she thought.

_Wait, maybe there is a way... I've done this before, when I was trying to become like Quinn... _

Frantically, as though her time was running out, Rachel ran into her bathroom and fell at the rim of her toilet bowl. Wasting no second, she rammed her fingers down the back of her throat, scratching it with her long nails. It hurt, causing tears to fall, but eventually, after what seemed like hours of trying to find her gag reflex, Rachel was finally violently sick in her loo. She performed this procedure again, and again, until she couldn't take any more, and she was happy the food was gone.

The girl looked at her stomach, seeing no sign of a bulge. Feeling much happier, and without having the need to cut any longer, Rachel went to do her days homework.

* * *

Meanwhile, Quinn had stayed behind at McKinley High, in the hopes of catching a certain person finishing their shift. She had hung around for a while, using the library to finish some work. She could never seem to concentrate properly at home.

As the blonde walked past her office, she saw the red head who seemed to be packing away for the day. Quinn knocked on the door.

_Oh God... she's going to kill me for this._

Seeing the ginger's gesture to come in, she entered the room.

"Miss Pillsbury?" Quinn asked "I was just wondering if I could have a quick word before either of us leave?"

"Yes, of course you can. Take a seat."

"Thanks."

"Okay then Quinn, what's the problem?"

"I just need some advice." The worried girl started "What should you do if you think a friend might be..." Quinn wasn't really sure how to word it. She had only just got her head around the idea herself. She lowered her voice, as though Rachel was in the room with her. "... hurting themselves."

"Do you mean as in self-harm, Quinn?"

She nodded. Miss Pillsbury pushed forward a leaflet. 'So you like to play with razors...', it read. Way to make light of a situation.

"What's this for?"

"Just read it, Quinn... maybe it will help you..."

Quinn cocked an eyebrow. What was this woman talking about? As soon as she realised, she stood up, slamming her hands on the desk in front of her.

"I'm not doing anything to myself!" She shouted. "I came for advice, not for an accusation!"

"Quinn... sit down. I can help you." The red head reasoned.

"There's nothing to help with. Do you really think I'd want to mess up my body again after everything with Beth?"

"You're in denial, honey. But clearly there was a reason for you to come to me today. Maybe this is you finally reaching out..."

"You know what?" Quinn stood. "Just forget I even asked." She walked out the room, shellshocked that someone would think so lowly of her.

She'd just have to help Rachel herself.

**Reviews make me happy! xx**


	16. Trust me, I'm fine

**Hey guys, I am so so sorry I uploaded the wrong chapter. Thanks to Miss Puckerman, Arcticgirl and sillystarshine for letting me know! Here's the RIGHT one. Also, just to let you all know I'm putting my other story, Love Hurts, on hold for a while. I've been so busy lately and I'm finding it impossible to have 2 on the go. I will continue it when this story is complete, though.**

**Anyways, for now, enjoy!**

The next morning, Quinn was in the bathroom when Rachel walked in, dripping in red slushy.

She was shocked to see Rachel like this- no one had seemed to have slushied her for a while. It was such a shock to the blonde, that she ended up missing her eyelashes, getting mascara all over her face.

"Rachel... Who did this to you?"

"Oh, it was no one. Not that it matters anyways... I'm used to it by now..." her voice trailed off.

"That's the thing, though. You shouldn't be used to it. It should have never even started... I, I know it's probably too late now, but, I am so, so sorry for everything I ever did to you..."

"Its never too late, Quinn. But why now? Why are you acting like you care all of a sudden?"

"I do care, Rach... And I'm worried about you... Please, just let me help."

"I can assure you that I'm perfectly fine" She was putting her walls back up. She was such a good actress. "You have absolutely nothing to worry about."

Rachel may have been the best actress in the world, but still Quinn wasn't convinced. However, she wasn't going to push the matter.

"At least let me get you a change of clothes." The taller girl suggested. "I have some in my locker. Never know when you may need them."

"Okay, then", said Rachel, as she tried to get Quinn off her back. The ex-cheerleader exited the room, leaving Rachel alone with her thoughts. She looked at herself in the mirror.

"Look at you. Just look at you. You're disgusting. How can you let people do this to you? You really are the perfect idiot, aren't you Rachel?"

Rita's words spoke clearly to her. She was the only one to make sense nowadays. On the upside, at least she was perfect at something...

The need for Rachel to cut was almost hurting her on the inside. The thing was though, she knew she couldn't. Quinn was already worried. She'd arrive back at any minute, and if she saw blood, then, well...

How would she react to something like that?

No. She couldn't do that. She'd just have to deal with the inner turmoil she felt until she could find a quieter place to bleed.

Bringing Rachel out of her current state, Quinn entered with her change of clothes.

"You're a lot smaller than me Rach, but these'll have to do." Quinn handed Rachel the clothes, which the drenched girl gladly took.

"Thanks, Quinn. I'll just go in the stall and get changed. You can leave now. I'm not holding you here."

"No, Rachel, I'll wait for you. Besides, just get changed out here. You need to use the sinks to get clean anyways. Let me help you."

"I'd honestly prefer my privacy Quinn." Rachel lied. "I'm sure I can deal with being a little sticky all day."

She couldn't let the blonde help her. That would involve stripping. And stripping would involve Quinn seeing her arms. No, this couldn't happen.

"Rachel, that's just really stupid. Change out here", Quinn commanded.

"I've told you I like my privacy." Rachel turned to enter the stall. As she was about to open the door, Quinn grabbed her arm, causing a yelp to escape the smaller girl.

"How many times to I have to tell you Quinn?!"

"It's the girl's bathroom. I'm sure if anyone walks in they won't care."

"No. Let me change in the stall."

"I don't want you being uncomfortable all day. You're still covered in slushy."

"I'll be fine. I've done it a million times before and you haven't cared." Rachel was getting really snappy at this point. That hurt Quinn. She knew she'd been a bitch to the girl in the past, but that really got to her.

"Rachel... what've you got to hide?"

Rachel was alarmed by this question. Was she onto her? Did she really give away too much information yesterday?

"Nothing... I'm going to change..." and with that Rachel locked the door.

Quinn sighed heavily, before leaving the bathroom. As soon as she heard the door click shut, Rachel got changed into her new set of clothes. She noticed how her cuts had opened on her arms from where Quinn grabbed her. Blood had seeped through her shirt.

_Please, don't let Quinn have seen that..._

She really wasn't sure how she was going to get this cleaned up in time for her next class. There really was a heavy flow of blood.

_Oh, shit... _Little did Rachel know that Quinn was thinking the exact same thing...

**Reviews would be fun! xx**


	17. Digging Myself Out Of My Hole

**Hey guys! Here's the update for this week- hope you like it :)**

**Thanks a million to all of those who reviewed. I really didn't expect my first ever story to get this kind of response so thanks to everyone who made that happen. I'm aiming for 100 reviews, so whoever is my hundreth reviewer, I'll make you a cookie ;)**

Walking out of the girls bathroom, Quinn realised that something didn't feel right. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but when she looked down at her hand and saw blood, she knew she finished the puzzle.

That's not my blood, she thought.

She desperately wanted to turn back and help Rachel, since this had only confirmed her suspicions, but she knew the girl would only push her away.

Quinn was in a trance on her way to Spanish, but a short redhead bumping into her soon brought her out of this.

"Oh, sorry Quinn. I didn't see you there".

"Don't worry about it." The blonde replied, fixing her hair. She soon realised this was a bad idea when she felt the teachers eyes on her bloody hand.

"Quinn..."

"No, I know what you're going to say based off our conversation the other day, but it's not that, I promise."

"Then what is it then?"

"Its not my blood..."

* * *

Perfect timing, Rachel had always had. That was until today. She finally managed to stop her opened cuts from bleeding, and got herself cleaned up just in time for Spanish.

She left the bathroom, planning on making her way to Mr Schue's lesson. Little did she know what was awaiting her on the other side...

"Rachel..."

It was Quinn. Standing alone with no one but Miss Pillsbury. Oh God, Quinn knows there's something going on, what's she told her?, thought the now panicking girl.

Rachel plastered her famous mega watt grin on across her face, and asked, "Ready to go, Quinn?"

Quinn could see behind the showface. This was not the same girl she left behind in the bathroom 5 minutes ago. She would get rachel to open up to her, even if that meant dropping hints at the guidance counsellor herself.

She replied to Rachel's question with a question- annoying, yes, but necessary.

"Are you okay now, Rach?"

"Why, what happened?" the teacher chipped in. Score. This was exactly what Quinn wanted.

"I got slushied that's all, miss. Quinn was merely helping me clean up."

This girl was good, Quinn thought.

"Girls, can we take this in my office?"

Rachel bore a look of horror. Please don't let Quinn have said anything, she thought. Please, anything but that...

Page break

"Sit down girls"

Both Quinn and Rachel did so. Both Quinn and Rachel looked incredibly nervous.

"So then," the red head started, "if Rachel got slushied, and you Quinn helped her clean up, then why do you have blood on your hands?"

Rachel's eyes widened in realisation. It was her blood. Quinn must have got it on her hand when she grabbed her. Come on, Rae think. Consider it a major acting exercise.

"Oh, miss, I think I can explain this one."

Quinn knew rachel was thinking up a lie, she just knew it.

"Go on then, Rachel".

"You see, last night when I was making dinner, I cut the top of my hand really badly with a knife. It's covered with my sleeve now because it looks kind of disgusting, but when Quinn was helping me get clean, it opened up again, and I guess she got blood on her hands. I've stopped bleeding now, though."

She had not only just covered up her cutting, but she had lied about eating, all rolled up into one. Success.

However, Quinn couldn't see it like this. She knew better. Bullshit, she thought. Absolute bullshit.

Miss Pillsbury seemed convinced though, and let the girls go. She held Quinn back for a minute though.

"Look, Quinn, I'm sorry for accusing you yesterday, I know understand that you're not doing anything wrong, and acted in rachel's best interest."

Quinn smiled sincerely.

"however, based on the conversation we had just then, it's clear to me that Rachel is fine, and maybe you were just overreacting."

"Yeah, maybe..."

* * *

Quinn was absolutely fuming! Was she totally blind?! She was meant to be the guidance counsellor for fucks sake! Aren't they meant to be overly cautious?

Quinn knew she'd have to find a way to help soon. However, although neither girl realised this yet, Rachel was slowly disappearing...

**If there's any way you want this story to go, please let me know x**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey Guys! Here's your Sunday update! I've actually made you a fairly long chapter- would you believe?! Anyways- enjoy, and don't forget, I love me some feedback! ;)**

Rachel had to get away. That was just way too close. She can't let anyone find out her secret. If they find out she's this broken, then that's it. There's just no way she'll get out of Lima.

While Quinn and Miss Pillsbury were finishing off, Rachel made her way to the worst bathroom of the entire school. Nobody used this bathroom. It had windows leading to the busy outside. I guess everyone's afraid that if they happen to get smashed, they lose all of their privacy. Rachel knew no one would look for her here.

The urge to cut was aching the broken diva. She rolled up her sleeves, but as she did so realised that there wasn't actually any room left for new cuts. She rolled up her shirt, but as she did so realised the same thing. It would just be too hard to cover, even in a full swimming costume in the summer. Although she had sworn to herself she wouldn't do this, she slowly pulled up the hem of her skirt, revealing the smooth, toned surface of her legs.

_You think they're so perfect, don't you? Ha! You should think again honey. Oh, I wonder how much fat you could lose of them if your blood was to, hmmm, disappear?_

Rites perfect-in-every-way voice echoed in Rachel's ears. She did have a point, the fat she has on her legs is all that blood swimming around, but her legs are just so nice...

_No, Rachel. Don't think like that. You're legs are not nice. Some would say thunder thighs, some would say they resembled those of an elephant's, a hippo, a mammoth..._

Slice. Squelch. She dragged the blade across her tight skin, allowing the blood to flow, silencing Rita. This time, the girl didn't feel relief, it just bloody hurt. She leaned back against the cubicle and poured her heart out, aching to be loved, paining to not feel like this anymore. She knew it came to something when cutting didn't even help her anymore. The blade was the one thing she could rely on to take the pain away, but even that had turned against her. She had officially lost all control. Our diva, who was once full of life, was now completely and utterly empty.

* * *

The brunette knew that this cut was going to take some cleaning, it was going to be hard to stop the blood flow. It was a given fact she was going to be late for Glee.

She applied so much pressure to stem the bleeding, but the flow just kept coming, she was feeling more light headed with every second that passed. This wasn't right. Rachel didn't want to pass out again. That wasn't the idea. Luckily, however, the bleeding was now slowly stopping, which meant she could apply one of the many emergency gauze pads she kept in her purse.

* * *

"Has anyone seen Rachel?" the curly haired teacher asked.

"She's here", Quinn piped up "I was with her about a half hour ago, but then she left and I couldn't find her."

"What were you doing with man-hands,Q? Are you fucking each other or something? You're always following her round like a lost puppy."

"Santana!" the Hispanic girl looked up at Mr Schue "That's enough! I'm actually starting to get very sick of you attitude towards Rachel lately. I think we all are."

"Erm, excuse me, but I'm not the only one with hate towards that bitch. Ask Kurt and Mercedes. They're both just as bad."

Mercedes jumped up to their defence.

"Were, Santana. Neither of us have said anything to Rachel for a while now. Something's not right with that girl, and I for one do not want to make that worse."

"She's right." It was Kurt's turn to step in now "haven't you noticed something different about her lately? I can't quite put my finger on it, but..."

Puck was infuriated. It was pretty obvious what the difference in Rachel was. "What do you mean you 'can't quite put your finger on it?!' isn't it pretty clear? The girl looks like she's about to snap in half. She's hardly spoken or sang in months. If that's normal for all of you, then you are all obviously messed up in the head."

"I think she's starving herself". Brittany said, bluntly.

"I think you're right, Britt. But there's something more than that too." Quinn stood up "and I'm going to find out", she said, as she left the room, leaving quite a concerned glee club behind. Even Santana was wearing a trace of guilt across her face.

* * *

By the time Rachel had cleaned herself up, she looked and felt like too much of a wreck to go to glee without sparking up billions of questions. Instead, she took refuge in the safety of the audotaurium, where she could pour her heart out with song.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?  
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb  
Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold  
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
call my name and save me from the dark  
(Wake me up)  
bid my blood to run  
(I can't wake up)  
before I come undone  
(Save me)  
save me from the nothing I've become

now that I know what I'm without  
you can't just leave me  
breathe into me and make me real  
bring me to life

(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
call my name and save me from the dark  
(Wake me up)  
bid my blood to run  
(I can't wake up)  
before I come undone  
(Save me)  
save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life  
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)  
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch  
Without your love, darling  
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see  
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me  
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems  
got to open my eyes to everything  
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul  
don't let me die here  
there must be something more  
bring me to life

(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
call my name and save me from the dark  
(Wake me up)  
bid my blood to run  
(I can't wake up)  
before I come undone  
(Save me)  
save me from the nothing I've become

(Bring me to life)  
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside  
(Bring me to life)

Rachel felt dead inside, and she reflected this in song. By the time she had finished, sobs were drowning the small girl, her body heaving up and down as she didn't even try to keep them under control.

She leaned against the wall, sliding down it, having no more energy to stand. The once enthused girl was now having a breakdown in the middle of the school day. Even though she knew it didn't hurt anymore, she intensely needed a release. She rolled up her sleeves, realising the blade she loved so much was tucked away in her locker.

Looking down at her red cuts on her arms, she wondered what she could do to create a similar effect.

Nails.

She dragged her nails hard across her inner arm, scratching herself as hard as she could, watching as the crimson blood flowed from the places she had just re opened.

It takes a while this way to reach satisfaction, but when Rachel was finally happy, she threw her head back against the wall, lapping up her relaxed state while she could.

In her happy place, Rachel never noticed a certain blonde enter the room. She never noticed her, hovering over her, crying for the broken girl. Crying for the blood and cuts to heal. Crying for all pain inside Rachel to go away.

As soon as Rachel took notice of the girl standing before her, she rolled down her sleeves as fast as she could, looking away from Quinn ashamedly.

"I saw them, Rachel. Don't try and hide them from me."

Rachel's sobs became louder and louder, more out of control by the second. Quinn slid down the wall and put her arms around the now-shaking girl.

"Sssh..it's okay. I'm here for you."


	19. Chapter 19

**Hey Guys, I'm back! Can I just thank you all so so much for the AMAZING reviews?! I love you all so so much and I love to hear what you think. You really are the reason I update every week!**

"Please don't tell anyone", the shaking girl pleaded. "I didn't want anyone to find out."

Quinn sighed.

"I have to, sweetie, you can't go on like this."

"No!", she yelled, pushing the blonde away.

"Look, at least let me tell Puck. He's worried about you, and I want someone else to know in case something happens."

"Why? What's going to happen? I kill myself? Because that isn't my plan Quinn", she snapped.

Quinn knew she had to remain calm.

"No, I know you don't, Rach, I just think it's for the best. I won't tell anyone else, and I'll make sure e doesn't either."

"Fine."

"Okay then. Let's get you home and we'll talk more later".

* * *

As they walked through the halls to Quinn's car, the blonde girl got a chance to think;

_I knew I was right. I just knew it. The thing is though, even though I knew it were true, I wouldn't have expected this from Rachel. She always seemed so different, so determined. If anyone, she'd be the one to get out of Lima._

_I just can't believe how broken she looked sitting there on the stage. I've never seen anything like that before. It was actually really upsetting. So, as of now, I have decided I'm going to do everything in my power to fix Rachel. But I can't do it alone, I'll need Puck's help. Speaking of which..._

"Hey, Rach, why don't you go wait in my car? Here's the keys, just don't drive off without me", she joked.

She could've sworn she saw a small smile reach rachel's face. She watched her walk away before turning to Puck and his jock clan.

"Hey, Puckerman. I need to talk to you."

"Okay, shoot."

Quinn glanced at the surrounding jocks.

"In private."

Puck turned away to follow Quinn. They heard a jock shout "Someone's whipped!"  
They stared at him before letting out a small chuckle. Quinn pulled Puck into an empty classroom, her face completely serious now.

"What's up then?"

Quinn hesitated, looking at the floor, not really sure how to break the news.

"Come on, Quinn, you're scaring me."

"Okay, so remember the other day when we were talking about Rachel?"

Puck nodded.

"And you said about what if she's hurting herself?"

Puck nodded faster, eyes wide, knowing what was coming.

Quinn's eyes filled up. "You were right."

Quinn was full on crying now, crying for the hurt Rachel was feeling. Puck pulled her in for a hug, calming her down. When the sobs subsided, he pulled away.

"For sure? How do you know?"

"Well this morning she got slushied, so I went into the bathroom with her to help clean her up. I brought her my spare change of clothes and she refused to change outside of a stall. I told her she was just being unreasonable and she would get clean without washing first. Anyways, she went into the stall and I grabbed her arm, stopping her." She started to cry, but carried on. "She stormed into it anyways so I left the bathroom. My hands felt funny, though, and when I looked down, I saw blood. Rachel's blood. Her arm was the only thing I'd touched. Obviously I didn't know if it was definitely from cutting but it made the suspicion stronger. Anyhow, I bumped into Miss Pillsbury on the way out, and when she saw the blood, her eyes widened. I'd spoken to her the day before about a 'friend', who'd been cutting, and what should I do. She assumed I was talking about myself so I stormed out. When Rachel came out of the bathroom, she wanted to talk to the both of us. Rachel lied her way out and I didn't see her again until later today. When I left Glee, something didn't feel right. I found Rachel huddled by the side of the stage, bawling her eyes out. I went to comfort her, but as I got closer, I noticed how her sleeves were rolled up. When I stood right next do her, I saw them. There was blood. There was so many of them, Puck, so much blood... I didn't know what to do so I'm taking her home to talk."

Puck stood there, speechless.

"Please say something", the girl pleaded.

"We have to help her. She can't carry on like this."

"So you'll help?"

"Of course I will. But first thing's first, you need to talk to Rachel, find out why she feels like this."

"You really care about her, don't you?" Quinn asked.

"More than anything."

"You still love her, don't you?"

"More than anything."

* * *

Quinn opened her car door to the driver's seat.

"Hey. How you feeling?"

"I'm fine."

"Let's get you home. We'll talk then."

The ride was silent and pretty uncomfortable. Neither girl really knew what to say. Quinn was glad she forgot the way to Rachel's house. It made way for conversation.

"Just around the corner", the brunette instructed.

* * *

Quinn was in awe at Rachel's house. It was huge! Rachel led Quinn upstairs to her room, where they could talk.

"Umm... Rae? Where are your dads?" Quinn didn't want them to over hear this.

"Oh, they work late." Rachel lied. "They won't be home until the late night."

Quinn nodded, before closing the door. She walked over to Rachel's bed, where she was already sat.

"So then, are we going to talk about this?", Quinn asked.

Rachel shook her head.

"You can't shut me out forever."

"I don't feel like talking".

"I know you don't, honey. But we need to talk about this. You can't do this forever. It'll stop working after a while, you know."

"What would you know?"

"I know a lot more than you think. Come on, sweetie, talk to me."

"You wouldn't understand."

"Yeah, I do. I really do", Quinn said sadly.

"What do you mean? How?"

Quinn sighed and hung her head in shame. _Go on, Quinn, you need to do this, for Rachel. Show her she's not alone._

"Rachel, I promised myself I'd never tell anyone this, but I'm going to tell you, just to prove that I do understand and to show you you're not alone in this, okay?"

She nodded.

Quinn rolled up the hem of her shirt, revealing a tonne of old scars, some worse than others.

Rachel's eyes widened.

"When I lost Beth, I turned to cutting to cope. I took all of my hurt and anger out on myself. It worked for a while, made me feel great, but after a while, it stopped. I guess it made me realise that I couldn't go on like that. It was like an addiction. Stopping was so hard. But when I did, I had won, and felt better than ever."

Rachel cried, for both herself and Quinn.

**Are you liking where this is heading? Do you hate it? I have some ideas for future chaps, but if you want anything in particular to happen, LET ME KNOW! xx**


	20. Chapter 20

**Hello my beautiful readers! 100 reviews?! You actually got me to 100 reviews! Thank you so so much- I honestly didn't think this story would have gotten this much of a response! I love hearing what you think of my writing!**

**Enjoy!**

"I'm not saying you have to stop right away. Its too hard to do it like that. But can you at least open up to me? I told you my story..."

Rachel took a deep breath. "Where do you want to start?"

Quinn smiled. "How about the beginning? What made all of this start?"

Rachel took a deep breath. Talking about everything for the first time was never going to be easy.

"Everyone hates me. Nobody wants me. They all make that perfectly clear with the constant daily torture. " Her voice was quiet, if Quinn wasn't listening so hard, she wouldn't have been able to hear. "I felt so alone, so worthless, the names Karofsky called me just confirmed all that. Fat, worthless slut I am, according to him. When I got home a few months ago, I was just feeling really down, really frustrated with the way I looked. I guess it had just been building up for a while and was finally getting to me. Nothing really worth taking drastic action over. But then I got a phone call from my dads. They're often away on business and that night I'd expected them to be home, instead they ended up telling me from the other side of the world that they were going to be gone for months"

Rachel broke down as Quinn pulled her into a hug, trying to console her.

"That just topped everything off for me. Even my own fathers don't really want me- they're hardly ever around. I was going to take a shower later on that week when I caught sight of myself in my mirror. It had been such a bad week and I ended up taking all of my frustration out on myself, or should I say my reflection, and punched the mirror. I had cut myself when I punched it, and it felt good, so I got the glass and made more cuts..." her voice trailed off, voice breaking with it.

"Its okay sweetie, you don't have to say anymore just yet, I just wanted to know why you felt the need to cut."

"It takes... the pain... away..", Rachel said, between sobs.

"ssshhh, it's all going to be okay, I got you".

* * *

The two girls stayed hugging on rachel's bed for a while, both of them calming down from their hysterical states.

"Ummm, Rach?"

"Can I see them?.. I mean, only if that's okay. I just want to check they're not infected."

Rachel nodded, so Quinn rolled up Rachel's shirt in response, revealing not only her many cuts, but her protruding bones.

Quinn knew to expect this, especially when she remembered how the girl's glee costume hung off of her. However, she still couldn't help but feel sickened at the sight before her. She had to say something to her. Now was probably a good time.

"The cuts look fine." Quinn started, "but...you don't".

Rachel was like a rabbit stuck in headlights. She knew exactly what Quinn meant, but she wasn't going to let on.

"What do you mean?"

"You've been starving yourself, haven't you? All this shit Karofsky sAid to you- is that why?"

"Quinn, I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're anorexic, Rach. Look at yourself. Can't you see that this just isn't healthy?"

"I'm fat, Quinn. I'm pretty sure that's what's not healthy."

"You really think that, don't you?"

Rachel nodded.

"In that case then, I guess I've got to change your mind."

* * *

"Rachel, do you want me to stay here until your dads get back? I just want to help."

"You've done enough already. I'll be fine on my own".

_I usually am anyways..._

"Okay then, but I'll be over at meal times. I want to get you eating again."

"Quinn, I can assure you there will be no need for that. I promise you I can look after myself. I'll eat again, I really will. There really isn't a need for you to come over."

"Stop with the rambling, I'm coming over and that's that. I know you won't eat otherwise. I'm going to go now, but I'll be back in a couple of hours for dinner. I'm assuming you have very little in your cupboards."

Rachel sighed. The determination in Quinn's eyes told her she just wasn't going to win this one.

"Fine."

Quinn smirked to herself. "I'll be back soon," she said.

Page break

Before going off to the grocery store, she made a stop off at Puck's house to let him know what was going on. As she drove to herself, her inner monologue was beating her up.

_God... I knew it was bad... But that, I really wasn't expecting that. Why did I let her get so bad?! I noticed it sooner, why did I leave it so late? Maybe then she wouldn't look like the result of a knife on a chopping board. I really need to help that girl..._

As she pulled up to the Puckerman house, she didn't realise that she had caused herself to cry. She knocked on the front door. Puck opened it, and the first thing he noticed was the girl's tears.

"Quinn, what happened?"

"It's awful. She's really messed up," she cried into his chest before he invited her inside.

* * *

Quinn had gotten perfect timing. His mom was at work and his sister was at a sleepover with a friend, giving them a great opportunity to talk about their troubled friend.

"So, what did she say then?" Puck asked, leading Quinn onto the couch.

"It took a while, but I eventually got her to talk. Its all the bullying, that's made her go like this. They've all made her feel so worthless. And then to top it all off, her dads are never here. I guess that just makes her feel like they want nothing to do with her, and cutting takes all the pain away." Quinn was crying even harder now.

"Its okay, Quinn, just carry on, we're going to help her."

Quinn nodded.

"I asked if I could check her everywhere for cuts, just to check they weren't infected. She's so skinny, Puck, she's been starving herself for months."

She cuddled into Puck while pouring her heart out for the girl she wants to see better.

* * *

"So then," Puck started "how are we going to help her?"

"I said for every meal time I was going to go to her house and eat with her, and sit with her at lunch at school."

"That's probably for the best. But what about this whole depression thing? How do we help her with that?"

"I don't know. I don't think she was telling me everything back there."

Pucks eyes lit up with an idea, a metaphorical lightbulb going off in his head.

"I think what we need to do is make her see the value in her life. Make her see that there are people that really do care, so we can start to take the pain away."

Quinn smiled.

"I think, Puckerman, you might just be onto something there..."


	21. Chapter 21

**Hey guys! Upadate day! Enjoy!**

"Rachel!", Quinn shouted as she knocked on the door of the Berry household. "Open up! These bags are heavy!"

Rachel sighed heavily.

_Heavy bags? That means a lot of food. I haven't eaten more than rice crackers and apples in like, 6 months, so this is just going to be too much food. Rita really wouldn't like this. She'd never eat that much. Perfect people don't eat..._

Unlocking the door, letting Quinn in, Quinn dropped the bags in the hallway.

"You really have no idea how heavy those bags were."

She could read the look of horror on Rachel's face. She probably shouldn't have said that- it's probably took her way off guard.

Realising her mistake, she tried to make up for it. "Don't worry- it's not all for tonight. This should do for about a week, maybe two, depending on what we use."

Seeing rachel's nod, she continued.

"So, I was going to make a vegan lasagne, that sound okay?"

Rachel quickly scanned her mind?

What's in a vegan lasagne? All veg right? And sauce? That's healthy isn't it? Can't put cheese in a vegan lasagne. Oh where's Rita when you need her...

Seeing that she wasn't going to get any guidance, she just nodded.

"I guess so."

"Good. Do you want to help me make it?"

"Okay."

So the pair spent the next half hour laughing and joking as they made their dinner. They had so many food fights, it was surprising they actually filled a tray to go in the oven. But Quinn didn't care- it was nice to see Rachel smiling.

* * *

When they sat down for dinner, Quinn could see that Rachel was beginning to get more anxious.

"It's okay, Rach, just eat what you can. No one said this was going to be easy."

Rachel nodded sadly.

"Hey..." Quinn started "Listen, okay? We made this together. And we had fun making it, didn't we?"

Rachel nodded, silently agreeing.

"So if we had fun making it, that gives us every right to sit down and enjoy it, okay?"

Rachel picked up a fork.

"Well done sweetie, let's eat."

Quinn made sure she filled the dinner with plenty of small talk, to make it feel less awkward for Rachel and less like she was watching her. It was kind of working, she was eating. It was just the pace and how she was eating that was worrying. She would put the tiniest piece of food on her fork, and even though it was tiny, she'd nibble her way through it. Quinn was trying to eat in the same way, to make her feel more normal, but it was starting to annoy her, so she started putting slightly more on her fork. She hoped this would set a better example for Rachel.

40 minutes it took Rachel to almost finish the lasagne. It took Quinn 25 with a slowed down pace. Yes, on one hand, this was incredibly worrying, but at least she had eaten.

After washing up, Quinn stayed for another half hour, giving time for her dinner to digest. What she didn't tell Rachel was though, that she was staying for a bit so there was no chance she'd be able to make herself sick.

* * *

When Quinn arrived home, she rang up Puck to fill him in on the night's events.

"Hey, baby mama", Quinn sighed at her nickname. He really did have no idea. "How'd it go?"

"It went pretty well, actually. We had fun making dinner, it was nice to see Rachel happy, but it took her so long to finish it was worrying. 40 minutes to eat a lasagne?! Tell me that's not scary?"

"Wow, that's frightening."

"I know, but have you set tomorrow up yet?"

"Yeah, Q, I have. Let's hope it works."

"I'm giving Rachel a ride to school so I hope it does. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."

* * *

While this phone call was taking place, Rachel felt so guilty about eating she found herself hovering over the toilet bowl, trying to get rid of her stomach contents.

What she didn't realise was it was much too late to do this, so she just ended up dry heaving.

"Please, Rita... Help me..."

**So.. what d'ya think?**

**I have ideas for future chapters.. but the question I have for you; to Shelby or not to Shelby? It's up to you!**


	22. Coming Together

**Hey guys! It's sunday! The reviews are still kinda 50-50 with the whole Shelby debate, so keep letting me know what you think about me bringing her into this.**

**Enjoy!**

"Rachel!" Quinn yelled as she sounded the horn, "Hurry up,we're going to be late!"

Rachel hurriedly grabbed her things and headed out of the door. She was glad of Quinn's sudden friendship, especially after everything she'd confided in her about her own self harm. However, she still couldn't help but worry it was all a set up- that she'd turn against her and spread all of her secrets.

"Finally!" Quinn joked, "What took you so long?!"

"Sorry", Rachel meekly replied.

"I was just kidding, Rach, you don't have to be sorry. We're girls, we run late-it's what we do."

"Oh. Sorry, I guess I'm just not that used to this whole friendship thing."

Quinn looked down sadly.

"I'm sorry. You should be used to friendship. I shouldn't have treat you like dirt.. Maybe if I hadn't, then other people wouldn't have either.."

"It's okay... I was bullied way before I met you.." rachel's voice trailed away.

"That's it though!" Quinn exclaimed, "it shouldn't have started in the first place!"

"It's okay Quinn, really..."

"No! It's really not! I should have taken you up on your offer of friendship when I had Beth.. You were so good to me and I treat you like shit!"

"Quinn! It's okay... Calm down...I forgive you."

"No, you really don't".

Rachel considered this answer. She wasn't exactly expecting that.

"Okay... Maybe I don't. But I'd like to be able to."

Quinn smiled. For both Rachel's kindness and the plan that was currently being put in action at McKinley High.

* * *

Of course, Rachel knew nothing of this plan. It was a brilliant mastermind of an idea put together by none other than Noah Puckerman.

First and foremost, he needed to notify the glee club of this plan- they would be the back up. That was going to be the hard part. Some of them, although improving in their attitude, were still relatively hostile towards Rachel, and he needed them on her side without them knowing all of her business.

Next, would be to get the jocks and Cheerios under control. They needed to stop hurting the small girl, but he knew this wasn't going to be possible without Santana, which he needed to contact through glee.

He organised an emergency glee meeting first thing about an hour before school actually started, to give Rachel and Quinn time to arrive without Rachel asking questions.

When they arrived, Puck stood up to speak, when the ever-so-observant Kurt asked the all important question: "Where's Quinn and Rachel?"

"That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you all about..." Puck took a deep breath, eyeing the people who were watching him suspiciously. "Well, you know how Rachel's been worryingly off with everyone and everything lately?"

The glee club nodded in unison, questioningly.

"Yesterday... Quinn found out what's been going on. She called on me for support and we both felt that the best thing to do next would be to get all of you on board for support."

"What are you talking about Puck? What's wrong with her?"  
Mercedes had came to a mutual understanding about Rachel ever since something seemed seriously wrong.

"Okay...Well, this isn't going to be easy to hear, but... Erm.., Rachel's been cutting herself."

Half of the room erupted. The other half sat in silence, shell shocked.

"What do you mean Berry's been cutting herself?" Santana asked "Is it just another stunt or..?"

"You know what Santana?! You can go fuck yourself for as much as I care. You know nothing about the situation so until you do you can't have an opinion. It's partly your fault she's been doing this anyways.. All of the comments that she's ever had, it's all built up to this. She feels so worthless, guys, so imperfect. And to top it all off, she's been starving herself as well. She's been doing all this to herself for months and no one's cared enough to notice. Are you really surprised she feels like this? Cause I'm not. She's in a really bad place guys..." Puck's voice trailed off after his explosion of anger he directed at the Hispanic girl in front of him.

"Puck, chill." Santana again. "When I said that I asked as in a general question, not a bitch against Rachel. I was actually genuinely curious because some people actually do harm themselves for attention. And I do understand her situation, just for the record.. I really do".

"Wow, Santana, that was probably one of the least bitchy comments you've ever made." Kurt stated.

"Yeah, well... Some things just aren't worth being bitchy over."

"Wait, what do you mean you understand Rachel's situation?" it was Puck's turn to be curious now.

Santana sighed.

"A few years ago... My cousin... She died from blood loss. She had been cutting for quite a long time. She had been depressed for as long as I could remember. We were all her support system. We knew she cut, we were trying to help, but I guess no one knew just how bad she felt."

Her eyes fell to the floor.

"When we got that phone call one day..." she burst into tears. Brittany consoled her.

"Wow, I'm sorry. I guess you really do understand."

"Yeah. No shit". The inner bitch in Santana was back.

Artie stepped in to the equation.  
"So.. What do you suppose we do to help?"

Puck looked at the wheelchair confined boy. "Oh yeah. That was the reason I called you all here, wasn't it?"

The group of teenagers sat down, all eager to what Puck's idea was.

"We just need to make sure that Rachel is totally off limits. That no one is allowed to hurt her, or say anything to hurt her. We all need to make sure we have her back. I'm gonna talk to the jocks- make it clear to them. And Santana, I was going to ask if you would say the same to the Cheerios. Don't tell them why, just make it clear that no one is to hurt Rachel Berry."

"I'd love to Puck. I know I've been awful to her. I am a bitch, that's not going to change... But I never wanted to make a teammate's life a living hell... I guess... I guess I just let everything get out of hand. I really do want to help. And I want to make sure she knows that."

Everyone looked at the girl, astounded that those words had just came out of that mouth. She simply shrugged and walked out of the room with Brittany, leaving behind a chuckling glee club, amused by Santana's typical antics.

**And there we go! I'm also trying to write the next chapter, and at the minute I don't know how to end it. How do you guys feel about Sue finding out? Let me know! **


	23. They Know

**Sorry the update's a little late this week, I had to go to school. YES, I DID HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL ON A SUNDAY :'( But nevermind, I'm here now!**

**I've listened to your ideas so Sue is now a small feature in my story, enjoy!**

Much to the jocks and Cheerios dismay, Puck and Santana had managed to get them all to reluctantly agree to leave Rachel alone. They were determined to help her get better.

So when Rachel and Quinn finally walked into McKinley high that very first slushy free morning, it was just right that Rachel should be confused.

All of the jocks and Cheerios were staring at her weirdly as she walked through the halls, and it was making her increasingly nervous. She was on edge waiting for that one slushy or snotty remark to hit her, to righteously bring they mood of the day down.

The thing was though, nothing happened. The stares and whispers kept going, but no more. She managed to get to her locker, on the other side of the school, without receiving any messages of hate from anyone.

"Quinn.." she began to ask "What's going on? No one's said anything to me. Usually a slushy would be due around now?"

Quinn smirked to herself. "Let's just say... No one is going to bother you ever again."

Rachel gasped.

"What did you do?"

"Not me. Puck and Santana".

"Santana?.."

Quinn just nodded, and led the way to glee.

* * *

When the pair got to the choir room, everyone else was already there. The atmosphere didn't feel right. It felt way to welcoming to be New Directions.

"So.." Puck started "How'd it go?"

Rachel snapped there and then. "Someone had better tell me what's going on and they'd better tell me now!"

"There's our diva back!" Mercedes shouted.

"Rach.. Please don't kill me and Puck..."

"What have you done?" Her eyes widened. "You've told everyone, haven't you? Oh my god! I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!"

Quinn was pretty taken a back by this. "Sweetie, I want you to calm down..."

"Calm down?! After everything you've done to me?!"

Puck knew this was the time to step in.

"Berry.. Rachel.. Look at me." She looked up from her place on the floor. "Okay.. Now we haven't told everyone. We'd never do that to you." He smiled. "I mean, you're my Jewish American Princess."

She smiled back lightly.

"Okay, so just hear us out. The only people who know are the people in this room. We all want to help you. That's if you'll let us. The thing this morning.. Let's just say that me and Santana have said you're off limits." He said, smirking to himself.

"Wait.. Santana? But.. You hate me?"

Santana walked towards the upset girl. "I never hated you really, I was just jealous. So I looked for ways to bring you down. I never meant for you to do.." She pushed rachel's sleeves up. "This." When everyone saw the cuts, they gasped, not believing it to be true. "You know, I really do want to help, no joke, swear on my life. See, my cousin used to do this to herself. I was too young to really understand, and she ended up killing herself. I really don't want to see that happen to you... You have a lot going for you."

Rachel smiled meekly. Everyone was in awe at how Santana was acting- no one other that Brittany had ever seen this side to her. They also couldn't believe what Rachel had been doing to herself. They knew from Puck that she had, but actually seeing them? Well that, was their reality check.

"I don't want to kill myself", rachel said quietly, not looking up from her teared and bare arms.

"We know you don't sweetie. But we are going to help you." Santana said.

"Yeah,Rachel, you'll never be alone again, I promise."

* * *

The glee club remained huddled in their circle around the broken diva for quite some time. Nobody had said anything in a while. The silence was haunting, yet strangely comforting. Each of the teenagers were so mentally distracted by the situation, that not one of them heard Will and Sue enter the room, arguing about the usual topics.

"I'm just saying, you know. It really does just remind me of a poodle ass."

"And I'm just saying, how many times do we need to go over this, I'm not going to change my hair just to-" Mr. Schue sensed the off vibe, and looked across the room to the group of glum looking teens. "Guys... What's going on?"

Sue was the first to notice Rachel's bare arms. "Berry... Did you do that to yourself?"

Rachel looked down in horror, only just realising her sleeves were rolled down.

"Erm... Oh... Shit."

* * *

You could have heard a pin drop in the choir room. No one knew what to say or do. Surprisingly, it was Sue to break the silence.

"Listen...This isn't really my place so I'll leave you all to it. This isn't me being nice, but Berry, I'm here, okay?" And with a nod she walked out of the room, leaving a stunned glee club behind.

"Rachel..?" Mr Schue enquired.

She shook her head, not wanting to say more than she already had that day. Quinn took her hand, sensing that her friend needed the comfort, and led her out of the room to get her head together.

When the two girls left, Puck stepped in. "Right, Mr Schue, sit down. Looks like I'm gonna have to fill you in."

**Sooo... what'd you think? Like? Hate? Either way, let me know! I'm all ears! :D**


	24. She Will Be Happy

**So I'm not sure if I'm entirely happy with this chapter, but I kind of need it for the story to work, so here goes nothing...**

"So... What do we do?" Asked the curly haired teacher.

"Just be there when it counts, Mr Schue." Puck instructed. "We're going to be her friends. We're going to take her places, eat with her at meal times. Just that sorta thing. You'd just be a good asset for in school, maybe for when things get too much."

He nodded, so Puck went to find the girls.

When he came across them, Rachel was in a corner, panting onto Quinn's shoulder.

"They know.. They weren't supposed to know. No one was supposed to know.. Oh god.. She's going to kill me.. No... No...!"

The sight before them was significantly worrying for Puck and Quinn. They're young- how are they meant to deal with something like this?

"Who's 'she', Rachel?"

_Oh no! I wasn't meant to say that! She was never meant to be mentioned.. I'm not allowed to mention her. Only I'm meant to know about her existence.. No.. Oh god. Think, Rachel, think. Do what you have to do to hide Rita. _

"Huh?"

"You said 'Oh god , she's going to kill me'. What's that supposed to mean?"

"I said that?"

"Don't play dumb, Rachel."

"I really don't know what you're talking about."

Quinn shook her head at Puck, mouthing "Just leave it". She knew she'd open up eventually.

Puck silently agreed. "Come on then, let's get out of here."

* * *

The car ride was pretty silent until Quinn broke it;

"So then, where are we going?"

"Movies. It's fun, we can do it together, and we don't have to have any awkward conversations, which I figured you'd like, Rachel."

She smiled, speaking barely above a whisper "Thank you".

She really appreciated this gesture. She didn't want to talk anymore. It had been a pretty rough couple of days, and if Puck and Quinn didn't want her alone, then this was the perfect activity. She thought it was really sweet of Puck to do this. She knew he put up the whole bad ass facade, but deep down, he knew people, he knew what to do in difficult situations.

Puck still did really love Rachel. He wouldn't do this for just anyone, but Rachel, there wasn't even any questioning. He knew he couldn't make a move on her straight away. She clearly wasn't right enough in her mental state. But if he could subtly make gestures of kindness, then hopefully, they'd finally be able to be together.

* * *

Rolling up to the movies, they finally got out of the awkward, silent atmosphere that was created in the car.

Puck and Quinn knew to keep the conversation light, otherwise it would make Rachel uncomfortable . To start this off, they would let her pick the movie.

"Erm... I don't know. Why don't you two just pick?"

"Because.." Quinn started "We're taking you out.. Our treat. We want you to pick the movie."

"It's only because you feel sorry for me."

"Rachel... Please don't think that. We know we haven't been great to you in the past, but please, we really want to try and be your friends."

_More than friends..._

"And not just because we feel sorry for you", Quinn added.

Rachel nodding, cuing Quinn to point at the screenings. "So take your pick.. Whichever you like".

Rachel pondered back and forth over the movie selection. It took her a while, but she finally reached a decision.

"How about the new Twilight?" That's right, a depressing film to reflect how she felt. Not that they'd see it that way...

"Yeah, sounds great!"

Rachel refused popcorn or candy. As much as Puck and Quinn pleaded, she even refused a drink. As the week went by, her problems were becoming more and more obvious.

On the bright side, though, the three thoroughly enjoyed the movie, and were making their way to Breadstix. Rachel wasn't happy about it, but she agreed to go. It would keep them happy for a while. It was all good, she could go and be sick later on if need be.

* * *

They were all still fairly hyped up from the enjoyment of the movies, even Rachel, but that didn't distract them from ordering the food that awaited them.

Quinn ordered pizza, Puck ordered Pasta, and Rachel stuck with the safety of a salad- no dressing. She figured that was easy enough to burn off later.

"Rach, don't you want more than that?"

"No, I'm good thanks. I ate a bigger lunch earlier."

_Excuse after excuse. She didn't even eat lunch. Not that I know of. There was no way she'd have eaten it in the time I wasn't with her. Oh god... Don't make a scene, Quinn, whatever you do, just don't..._

"Rach, you never ate lunch, I was with you."

"I ate when you weren't there."

_Excuses... Lies..._

Instead, Quinn ended up just humouring her, not wanting to make a scene in the middle of a busy restaurant.

The food arrived. Puck and Quinn gave each other a subtle nod to telepathically say 'keep an eye on her'. The pair had their food gulped down in less than 20 minutes, while Rachel still battled through her salad. 20 minutes in, and she was only half way through.

The worried friends just scrunched up their faces in disapproval.

"Come on, how long does it take you to eat a salad?!" Puck asked jokingly. He felt the best way to handle a situation like this would be to make light.

Rachel stared at him. "Can you not watch me, please?", she half snapped.

Puck hung his head, not really sure what to make of that.

"Sorry", he mumbled.

"It doesn't matter, I'm full now anyways."

Quinn looked at her.

"You can eat more than that surely? It's only salad", she encouraged.

"I can't".

"I bet you can."

"No."

"What if I fed you.. A bit of 'here comes the aeroplane'", she joked, patronisingly.

"I said no!", she shouted. "I really can't! I'm full."

Quinn and Puck jumped back in shock at the sudden outburst. People surrounding them were looking, staring at the scene before them.

Quinn quietened her tone.

"Rachel, it's okay, I won't make you eat anymore, I was only messing."

Rachel nodded, taking that as an excuse to leave the table.

"I'm going to the bathroom." She would get rid of that salad. All those empty calories, just swimming around...

Quinn knew better than this though. She knew of the plan she was hatching.

"I'll come too. Gotta pee."

She swore she saw the disappointment in Rachel's eyes. But she nodded with sincerity anyways, allowing her to follow suit.

* * *

Puck knew her eating behaviour was far from normal. What he couldn't understand was, why she couldn't see that herself. It was worrying. And he was practically tearing his hear out just thinking about it. Just hating what the girl he loves had become.

He knew he had to help her. Wanted her to be better and all. He'd start by making her happy, that's always a good place to start. She needed all the friends she could get, and he had just the way to surround her with people.

When he saw the girls walk back over to the table, he took the time to ask.

"Guys, I've decided to throw a glee party Friday night. You in?"

Rachel looked at Quinn questioningly. Quinn didn't want to her to have to have her approval. That was just silly. It's her life..

"It's entirely up to you, sweetie, you don't have to, but it might be good for you."

"Okay then".Puck smiled. He'd make that girl better even if it was the last thing he did.

**So there we have it! Let me know what you think- the reviews so far are AMAZING! I LOVE IT! xx  
**


	25. Unwanted

**Hello my lovelys! Here's your update!**

**Also, please don't hate me for what I'm about to do...**

It took a while for Rachel to arrive at the party.

She struggled immensely over what she would wear for it. She couldn't go cropped- she had cuts. She couldn't go bare armed- she had cuts. And she couldn't go in shorts or a short skirt- she had cuts. Her outfit really wasn't looking promising, so in the end she settled for thick tights, boots, a skater skirt and a jumper.

She looked fat, but it was the best she could do to cover herself up.

_What a state! You're seriously going out dressed like that?! Oh god... There's no hope is there? Who would want- _

Rita was silenced by the sound of Quinn's car horn.

Rachel continued to stare at her reflection.

"I know, Rita, I completely agree, but... I have nothing else to hide them... Like you said. Do not get caught. Well, it's too late for that now, but I guess it'll save me from further embarrassment."

She solemnly walked away from the mirror, swearing she could her Rita's cackle following her out the door.

Quinn smiled when she saw her friend.

"Hop on in! You look really nice Rachel."

Rachel smiled. "So do you."

_She doesn't think that really. It's all just an act. She's lying to me. They all are. How can someone as fat and ugly as me deserve to be truly complimented?_

_God... I knew she was thin, but... God. That skirt... It really doesn't help. If it wasn't for her weight, she would genuinely look really good. I feel bad for her though, must have taken her ages to pick an outfit to hide all those cuts.. Ages..._

"So... What are we doing tonight?", Rachel asked, luring them both away from their inner monologues.

"I'm not sure yet... It'll probably be a case of a lot of drink, a lot of singing, a lot of dancing, and a lot of drinking games! That sounds about right!"

* * *

It was scary how accurate Quinn's predictions were. After Rachel was running late, the party was in full swing. They'd only just arrived, but were welcomed with a slurring Puck, handing out shots for them.

"Drink 'em".

Looking at Puck, feeling the need, they downed the shots in one, feeling their throats burning. It was even worse for Rachel, who was drinking on an empty stomach.

* * *

As the night went on, the teenagers were becoming more and more drunk, and more and more rowdy. On the up side, though, at least everyone was enjoying themselves. Even Rachel.

After millions of rounds of drunken karaoke, they finally got in the swing of drinking games. Round one of spin the bottle.

There were a lot of lesbian kisses, heterosexual kisses, and one hell if a lot of gay refusals. The guys weren't going to ruin their reputations just for the sake of one game.

"Oh come on guys, we've all done it!", Santana whined.

"It's different for you though." Finn hit back.

"Wait. How is it different. Girl on girl? Guy on guy? It's exactly the same principle."

"Yeah but, we have reputations to worry about."

"So have we. Besides, it's only us glee lot, who's ever going to besides us?"

"She has a point, you know." Mike chimed in.

An awkward silence came around. Then Puck came up with an idea. He lunged at Finn, showing him there wasn't really anything to worry about.

Finn's reaction was the funniest part- it was more than enough to set the group off in hysterics.

"See, that wasn't so bad." Puck mocked.

"I'll get you for that."

* * *

The night went on. They drank more, if that was even possible. Rachel looked hot. Puck looked hot. Put the two together.. And well, it's a pretty fiery mix.

Rachel was dancing. She didn't even notice Puck coming up to her.

"Looking good Rach", he whistled.

She blushed, not really knowing how to react to that. Ever since they broke up, there'd been a slight sense of awkwardness between the two.

"No seriously- you look really hot".

If she wasn't so drunk, she wouldn't have believed him- Rita would've advised him otherwise, but under alcohol's influence, Puck was pretty hard to resist.

"You don't look so bad yourself."

"Cheers babe." He put his hands on her waist as a slow song came on. Cliche much? "Do you want to dance?"

She nodded, letting Puck whisk her away. They were both so lost in the movement, neither if them saw what the other had coming, and before they knew it, they had locked lips in a kiss.

"Wow... Better than I remembered", Puck complimented.

"Worth the wait?"

"Definitely".

Rachel smiled, happier than she had been in a long time.

* * *

They stayed like this for a pretty long time, dancing and messing around for a while, before Rachel left. Puck offered to drive her home, but she refused given his drunken state.

On the walk back home, Rachel reflected the evening's events. Did she and Puck really just get back together? Maybe they were both just too drunk? Yeah. That was probably it. She wasn't good enough for anyone to date.

She was grateful for the distractions, though. The past few days, she had been happier than she had been for months. She knew it was all an act, that everyone just felt sorry for her, and were trying to ease their consciences, but even so, she was thankful.

It was a calm night, and it would have been a nice walk home if she wasn't too drunk to enjoy it. Even when she finally arrived home, though, Rachel still couldn't erase the smile that was etched all over her face. It was a great feeling- a feeling she could scarcely even remember.

That feeling, however, was replaced by a loud knock on the door.

Confused as to who would be wanting to contact her at this time of night, Rachel made her way to open the door to see what was going on.

As she opened the door into the darkness of the night, she revealed two police officers, wearing two incredibly glum expressions on their faces.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes," they began to reply "We're looking for a Rachel Barbra Berry".

"That's me." Rachel said in upmost confusion.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news... Your dads were in a car accident earlier today. I'm afraid they didn't make it."

Rachel stood there, frozen, unable to move, paralysed with fear.

"You're lying." She choked out.

"Sweetie, I wish we were, really, I do, but I'm afraid they really are gone."

"No! They're not! They're my daddies! They wouldn't do this to me! They wouldn't leave me! They wouldn't!", she screamed in grief as she crumbled to the floor, but deep down, they knew they'd be glad to be rid of her.

"We are so sorry." The other police officer said, before they both left back to their duties.

* * *

Rachel couldn't deal with this. They weren't dead- of course they weren't. That's just too silly to even think about. No... They're not...

Except, the thing was, they were. If Rachel felt unwanted before, she certainly felt abandoned now. It was just too much to take in, so once again, she took away her troubles with the razor blade, bleeding away every inch of pain she felt... And there was a lot of it.

She cut herself up to oblivion, but the thing was, she couldn't feel it anymore- there was just too much pain to rid herself of. Every cut she made, sliced deeper and deeper, spouting out more and more blood each time, as she frantically tried to feel something, anything but the grief she felt from losing her dads.

No matter what Rachel did, though, nothing was a relief, nothing made her feel better. So she just carried on, slicing deep into her skin, watching blood flow rapidly from her savaged flesh. On and on she cut, asking for more each time. The ache she needed for a release was hurting her insides. As she tried to ease this, she cut so deep, the flow was impossible to stop. Rachel laid there helplessly, on the cold bathroom floor, waiting. Waiting for someone to come, waiting to feel free, waiting to be saved from herself. Forever it was she seemed to wait. Forever it seemed to take, before everything went black.

**And there you go... and I'm sorry. Something big needed to happen and I felt this fitted the bill.**

**Again, thank you all so much for the continued support, and I'd love for you to tell me what you'd like to happen next- I don't have much planned out for future chapters xx**


	26. Saving Rachel

**Update!**

They were all so hungover the next day. They had a Saturday Glee rehearsal which they'd forgotten about when the party was planned, so it didn't really work out in any of their favours. They were preparing for Sectionals. They'd slacked off a lot during the semester, and couldn't afford to lose any more time. Instead, they had to make time. Or, at least they did if they wanted to win.

The glee club arrived with splitting headaches, given the exception of Tina and Kurt, who were the night's designated drivers. For the majority of them, they were having a hard time functioning, even with all the coffee that was flowing through their veins. It was safe to say, it wasn't going to be a particularly good rehearsal.

The aim was to pick out a set list for the competition. This year, for each of the three sections of the competition, each glee club would have to follow a particular theme for their set. It should have been fairly easy- but throw in a bunch of hormonal and hungover teenagers into the works, and you were going to get into a catfight.

"What about a tribute to Michael Jackson?", Finn suggested.

"Nah, not diverse enough." Said Mercedes in reply. "We need something to showcase female vocals as well, like Whitney."

"We can incorporate female vocals into Michael Jackson, you know.", he said, pointedly.

"That doesn't mean it'll be good. I'm sorry but hell to the nor am I singing MJ!"

"Well with the exception of Kurt, none of us guys want to be singing Whitney."

"He's got a point.", chimed Artie. "She's amazing and all, but we can't hit those notes. Ain't gonna happen."

"Well, does it need to be a theme just based on a person?", asked Tina.

"That's a point.", said Mike.

"Wait." Quinn started to say "Where's Rachel? We've started and she's not here."

They all shot each other a worried look for their new friend.

"Has anyone heard from her?", enquired Mr Schue.

"We haven't seen her since last night. We had a party.", Quinn said. "If anyone had heard anything from her, it would be either me or Puck."

She turned to look at Puck expectantly.

"Nah. Nothing. I'd have expected a phone call or something after what happened last night, but nothing."

"Why, what happened last night?", their teacher asked, concern evident across his face.

Puck smiled. "No need to look so worried, Mr S."

"Puck and Rachel got it on." Santana, ever so blunt.

The man chuckled. "It's about time."

Page break

Half an hour had been and gone, and still no sign of Rachel. They were growing increasingly concerned- it was unknown of Rachel to miss practices like this- especially when they were picking songs.

"Okay, I'm getting worried now. Still nothing." Quinn said, as she put her phone away for the millionth time that morning.

"Have you tried calling her?"

Quinn nodded. "Only like, a billion times! I'd have thought she'd have answered by now!"

"I'm going over there. Sorry guys- I have to. Anything could have happened." And with that Puck got up and left the building, leaving behind his worried friends in doing so.

"I hope she's okay". Quinn pondered. "If anything's happened.."

Santana put her hand on the blonde girls shoulder. "She'll be fine... And if not, she will be. We'll get her there".

Quinn nodded, wiping a lone tear from her eye.

Page break

When Puck arrived at Rachel's house, his inner turmoil was increasing. He could sense that something was wrong.

He practically sprinted to her front door, before pounding on it, hands full if desperation.

"Rachel!", he shouted, after failing to get in. "Rachel!"

No answer.

"Rachel! Please let me in!"

Nothing.

"Please, Rachel! I just want to make sure you're okay!"

This wasn't what he was hoping for.

"Rachel! If you don't let me in I'll just let myself in!"

Still no answer. He shook the door handle frantically, realising the door was locked.

"Shit!", he exclaimed.

Searching for a spare key, he realised there wasn't one in existence, and he could be losing precious time.

"Rachel! I'll break the door down if I have to!"

"Rachel! I'm not kidding here!"

Fine then.

After running towards the door several times at top speed and full force, Puck was finally in, clutching his shoulder with it. It was already forming bruises.

"Yes!" But it wasn't all singing and dancing, oh no. Puck had a mission. He had to find Rachel. He had to fix her.

Running to the obvious place, her bedroom, he hoped he'd find her there, just simply being stubborn, but no. She wasn't there.

He looked around hopefully, until he finally saw a crack of light coming from the adjoining bathroom.

Italics  
Please, please be in here, just please...

Luckily, this time, the door wasn't locked, and he could just dart right in there.

What he saw wasn't pretty, to say the least.

There she was, lying, out cold, against the cold and hard tiling, covered in her own blood.

It was literally everywhere. On the sink, on the floor, on her clothes, on her... Everywhere...

"Oh God... Rachel!"

He rushed to her side on the floor, desperately trying to save his love.

Italics  
I thought she was doing better. I thought we were saving her. I never thought she'd have gone this far. I didn't think it was this bad. Oh, please, Rachel, don't leave me...

Puck was holding her, shaking her, trying, but failing, to bring her round. For the first time, he noticed how little of her there was, how delicate she was, how bony she was.

Italics  
What are you doing Puck?! At least do something productive o try and help her.

He checked her pulse, tears freely flowing off his face, longing for the love of his life. He almost breathed a sigh of relief when he found a heartbeat. That was before he realised, it was so weak, she could blank out on him at any second.

So he picked up his cell, and dialled 911.

Page break

As he waited for the paramedics to come whizzing round the corner, Puck made a desperate call to Quinn. It was going to be a hard phone call, but she deserved to know. Hell, the whole of glee did.

Puck's name flashed up on Quinn's cell.

"Guys, it's Puck!", she announced, excitedly.

"Go on then, answer it.", Santana pushed.

"Hi Puck. How is she? Is she okay?", she asked, desperately waiting an answer.

"Are you sitting down?"

"Puck just tell me", she snapped. "I've been going out of my mind here. Come on, is it really that serious?"

At this, 10 other heads in the room turned to face the phone call.

"Actually, Quinn, it really is."

"What's going on?", her voice lowered considerably.

"I'm with her now... Holding her. She's hardly breathing... The paramedics are on the way", he said as his voice shook.

"Why? How did she get like this?" Quinn was starting to seriously panic now. She was practically hyperventilating at the thought of Rachel, lying there ever so helplessly.

Puck took a deep breath on the other end of the line. "Blood... Everywhere. She went too far this time."

He was on speaker. The glee club could hear his every word.

"Fuck!" yelled Santana. "No! This can't happen! Not again... Please tell me she's gonna be okay..." The usually boisterous girl crumbled to the floor, as she reminisced the memory of her long gone cousin.

"It's going to be fine, she has to be. It's Rachel. She's a fighter."

Turning back to the conversation, losing the control of her sobbing, Quinn said, "I thought she was getting better... I thought we were making her better."

"So did I, Quinn, so did I."

On the other end of the phone, Rachel's pulse was continuing to drop. Sirens could be heard wailing from outside. Puck was holding onto the girl in desperation, trying to track her pulse. It was dropping slowly, seemingly worse than earlier on. He tried everything to get her to respond, all whilst talking to Quinn. He splashed water in her face, shook her frail body, but with no response.

No heartbeat. Shit. Puck could no longer feel rachel's pulse. No longer feel her breathing, as the paramedics came streaming through the door.

"Oh god.. Rachel?! Rac-"

The line went dead. "Puck?! Puck?!"

Quinn shot up out of the choir room, followed by a herd of anxious teens, in the search for answers surrounding Rachel's well-being.

**Dun dun dun! I'm sorry guys. But there you go- major cliffhanger!**

**Also, I want to ask you all something. I'm in the process of trying to write a book. I was just wondering, if I published it as an ebook, would you guys buy it? Until next week! xx**


	27. The End?

**I was so overwhelmed with the response my last chapter got! That chapter received the most reviews, favourites and follows than any others, so thank you so much for that!**

**Anyways, here's Chapter 27! (that's my favourtite number, btw ;))**

The glee clubbers wasted no time in their Rachel investigation. Rather than heading to her house, they went straight to the hospital, in hopes they would meet her there.

Mr Schue headed straight to the reception desk as soon as they all arrived.

"Hi, I'm looking for a Rachel Berry."

The nurse scrolled through the records. "I'm sorry but we have no one here under that name."

He turned away, shaking his head as he headed back over to the rest of glee. "She's not here yet", he said.

Quinn took out her cell, calling Puck, to see where he and Rachel were. Instead, though, she got nothing. It went straight to voicemail. "Fuck!"

"Calm down, Quinn. They'll get here eventually, they'll have to." Brittany- ever so comforting.

"What if they don't though, huh?! What if she can't be saved? What happens if we've lost Rachel?! She'd be dead, and it'd be all our faults. We never helped her in life. Instead we just hurt her so much she had to turn to cutting herself! I can't live with that guilt! She has to be here! Someone has to save her!"

"It'll be fine. It's Rachel. She's a fighter." Jeez, nothing fazes that girl.

Quinn frantically nodded, resembling the Churchill dog, as though trying to convince herself that this was true.

* * *

Banging footsteps broke the silence of the group of solemn teenagers. Porters were racing through the hospital doors, followed by Puck, his tear stained face on show. Rachel...

"Puck!", Quinn screamed across the waiting room.

"No, I'm not leaving her!", he was yelling at the porters and paramedics "I don't want her to wake up alone!"

"Puck!"

"Listen, son, I'm sorry, but you can't go with her. She's lost a lot of blood. This next procedure is vital as to whether she survives."

"Puck!"

"Fine. But if you can't save her..."

"The surgeons will do everything they can. We're hoping she'll be fine."

"Puck!"

"You'd better be right."

He turned away, leaving Rachel in their hands, not really knowing the condition of his girl. Quinn raced over to him. "Puck! What's going on? Is she going to be okay? Please, please, please tell me she's going to be okay."

He sat down, resting his head in his hands. "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?! You've been with her this whole time?!"

"I don't know if she'll make it, okay?!"

Silence. That had been happening a lot lately, no one really knowing what to say to each other.

"No. No. No! She has to make it! She has to!"

"Puck, do you mind filling us in, if you can manage?" He nodded. Mr Schuester was tearing apart on the inside, but he had to stay strong for his kids.

"I found her. She was in her bathroom, drowned by her own blood. She was barely breathing. I rang 911, trying everything to bring her round, but nothing was any use. Eventually, just before the medics got here, she stopped breathing altogether. I thought that was it. I thought she wouldn't come back to us. Anyways, they did manage to bring her round, but she's still only just breathing. She lost a lot of blood. They've taken her away for a blood transfusion now- I just really hope she makes it. I don't know what I'd do without her. I don't even know why she did this in the first place!"

He was sobbing hysterically at this point. Everyone was. They were all trying to console each other, but each other's sympathy was only making them worse. They just wanted Rachel back. She was the only medicine that would make any of this better.

* * *

The surgeon came out of the theatre, covered in blood. It was a sickening sight, especially since they knew exactly who's blood he was wearing.

"Noah Puckerman?" he turned to face him, desperation evident across his face. "Am I right in saying you brought a Miss Rachel Berry here?"

"I called 911. How is she? Is she okay? Please, doc, you gotta tell me."

"We were successful with the transfusion, but she did lose a lot of blood, so we can't be too sure at the moment. She's stable for now, though."

They all looked at each other, breathing a sigh of relief- for now at least.

"We have put her in an induced coma, while the effects take place, so we'll just have to see what happens. Also, she seems incredibly underweight, do any of you know anything about that?"

Quinn answered through her tears. Rachel would probably hate her for this, but the girl clearly needs help. "We think she's anorexic. She won't eat. I've tried to get her to, but even then it took 40 minutes to eat just half of a meal."

"Thanks for that. We'll talk more about that later, getting her help and all. That means it could take longer for her to get better, though. She's undernourished, so she isn't getting what she needs to help herself."

This just got worse. Worse for Rachel, especially.

"Can we see her?"

"Sure, but only 2 at a time."

Santana stood up. "I think Puck and Quinn should go", she said, whilst looking round for the other's approval. They all nodded, giving the pair a cue to leave.

* * *

"Listen, I'm going to warn you right now, she really doesn't look too good."

They both took a deep breath, before entering the room, embracing the sight of their troubled friend.

"Oh my god, Rachel..." Quinn ran to her bedside, grabbing her hand. "Oh god, Rach... Please be okay, just please... I don't know what I'd do without you. I know we haven't seen eye to eye in the past and I know I've said and done some horrible things to you, but I'm just so, so sorry... Please just, forgive me one day. Please wake up soon..."

Puck looked angry more than anything else. He wanted to break the faces of the fuckers that made her feel this way.

"She looks so small, so fragile, so, so broken."

"She does, Quinn, she does." Puck went over to the other side of Rachel and took hold of her opposite hand. They were both praying to God for her to get better.

"What if she doesn't make it?", Quinn asked.

"She will, she has to make it."

"She might not, though. The doctor said, she's not feeding her body, so it'll be harder for her to get better."

"No that's not an option. She'll be fine. She has to be."

Quinn knew she was fighting a losing battle, so instead, she started to sing a song to Rachel.

_Hold up_  
_Hold on_  
_Don't be scared_  
_You'll never change what's been and gone_

_May your smile_

Puck joined in, singing backup _(may your smile)_  
_Shine on (shine on)_  
_Don't be scared (don't be scared)_  
_Your destiny may keep you warm_

_Cos all of the stars_  
_Are fading away_  
_Just try not to worry_  
_You'll see them some day_  
_Take what you need_  
_And be on your way_  
_And stop crying your heart out_

Their voices were getting shaky at this point.

_Get up (get up)_  
_Come on (come on)_  
_Why're you scared? (I'm not scared)_  
_You'll never change_  
_What's been and gone_

_Cos all of the stars_  
_Are fading away_  
_Just try not to worry_  
_You'll see them some day_  
_Take what you need_  
_And be on your way_  
_And stop crying your heart out_

_Cos all of the stars_  
_Are fading away_  
_Just try not to worry_  
_You'll see them some day_  
_Take what you need_  
_And be on your way_  
_And stop crying your heart out_

_We're all of us stars_  
_We're fading away_  
_Just try not to worry_  
_You'll see us some day_  
_Just take what you need_  
_And be on your way_  
_And stop crying your heart out_  
_Stop crying your heart out_  
_Stop crying your heart out_

It should have been a beautiful song, filled with hope for Rachel, to get her to want to carry on, but no. As soon as the song finished, the beeping sounded.

_Shit... Rachel's machine..._

"Rachel? Rachel!"

"No, come on, Rach, don't do this. Please sweetie, I need you..."

"Rachel!"

The nurses and doctors came running in, ready to attempt to revitalise her.

"No..! Rachel..!" They were holding Puck back from her.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you need to leave."

"No! I need to stay with her."

"I'm sorry, sir, I'm afraid that won't be possible."

"But I love her!"

"I know, sir, but I insist you must leave."

They were forcing him out of the room. "Rachel?! RACHEL!"


	28. Quinn's Rita

**Hi! Sorry for the wait on this update- I've had a busy day. It's here now!**

**Reviews, as always, are fantastic. I love each one I get :D**

**Anyways, until another week, enjoy!**

**A x**

"Rachel?! RACHEL!"

There was no way anyone was letting Puck or Quinn back into Rachel's hospital room. They had to do everything they could to bring her back, but right then, it wasn't looking good. Puck crumpled to the ground, resembling a building after the remains of an earthquake.

He was sobbing uncontrollably. Quinn had no idea what to do- she'd never seen a guy cry like this before.

She knelt before him, in a similar state herself. She knew, though, she had to try and stay strong. For both him and herself. And especially for Rachel. "Come on", she said, comfortingly, "Let's go and update the others. This-" she pointed around sadly, "isn't helping anyone. We gotta stay strong."

She used her shaking arms to haul up Puck's shaking body, before guiding him down the corridor to join their friends.

Santana was the first to notice the pair trudging down the hospital corridor. "Erm guys, what's going on?" Judging by the looks on their faces, she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.

Quinn looked at Puck. Puck looked at Quinn. Neither really knew what to say to them. How could they tell their friends, that part of their family was dying? It was a huge ask.

Quinn eventually took a shaky breath. "She.. She's dying." She began to cry freely. She couldn't say anymore.

Puck took this as his cue to take his part in this. He couldn't let Quinn do this by herself. "We were with her... Her machine... They're trying to bring her back, but... We don't know if she's going to make it. They refused to let us stay."

"She can't die!", screamed Santana. "She can't..." her voice trailed away. She couldn't handle going through this again for a second time. She hadn't even gotten over the first time yet. Not another person was going to die from self harm. She was praying to God. It wasn't going to happen again.

"I'm so sorry, Santana, everyone... We just... We don't know what to do, or say..."

One by one, each member of their unique little family got up in joining Puck and Quinn into a group hug. They were doing everything in their power to bring hope for each other, to bring hope for Rachel. They were trying to help their friends who were clearly traumatised from watching Rachel's lifeless body slowly slip away...

* * *

"Guys, I'm sorry, but, I really need some air", Quinn said, breaking the hug.

"Do you want me to come with you?", asked Santana.

"No I'm good. I just want to be alone right now." Santana nodded, understanding that right now, she'd need some space. When Quinn saw she had accepted this answer, the turned and walked away.

She headed for the bathroom, figuring that in there, she'd have the most chance of getting the privacy she wanted. She looked around, making sure the place was empty, before locking herself tightly in one of the stalls.

From there, she just completely broke down. She hadn't felt this bad since giving up Beth, and she desperately just wanted all the hurt to go away. It wasn't a want, it was a need. Her breathing hitched, and after that she was struggling to keep it in check. She was panting frantically, desperately trying to get some air. But with all the panic of trying to breathe, it was just making her worse- especially with the mixture of her tears.

Eventually, Quinn did manage to control herself, but the hurt never went away. It was still very much in existence. She needed a good cry, though. Sometimes, that's all you need to make yourself feel better.

Not that it did, really.

She thought about all the things wrong in her life. Her strained relationship with her mom, losing her daughter, recovering from self harm, and now her friend was dying. She was well and truly fucked up. She honestly didn't realise things were so bad until she thought about it.

She just wanted the pain to go away. She wanted to feel something other than self loathe. She lifted up her shirt, revealing millions of fading scars from her past, thinking.

"No, Quinn. Don't do this to yourself. You've recovered, come so far... Don't relapse now."

But I want to. I need to. I have to feel something. What I'm feeling now, is just so wrong. I need an escape from it. I won't do it again, I promise. Just please, let me do it just once...

Quinn had her own Rita. Her name was Valerie. Unlike Rita, though, Valerie was filled with helpful advice. Advice Quinn didn't want to listen to.

She violently scraped her long nails across her scars, hoping they would reopen to give her the release she craved. It opened them a little, but there was no blood. She felt nothing. She felt hopeless. She couldn't even do this right anymore.

She grabbed her bag and looked for something, ANYTHING, sharper to cut through her scarred flesh. She was getting out of control looking, she really couldn't find anything. Her determination was getting the better of her. That's when she saw it. To her, it was like the light in the dark. Nail scissors. Not really sharp, but they'd have to do.

They weren't sharp enough to break through new skin, but just maybe, they would break through some of her scars. The skin was much weaker there.

Slowly, she dragged the scissors along her stomach, applying plenty of pressure to get a release.

_I'm so weak... I promised myself I'd never to this to myself again. But... How can I not?_

As soon as she saw the blood ooze from her flesh, she instantly become more relaxed, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. It hadn't, of course, her problems were still there, but the cutting made her feel a whole lot better. The more blood she found, the more freely she felt. In that moment, problems didn't exist. She felt a rush of euphoria kick over her. Ripping her skin further and further apart, she finally found a point where she finally felt satisfied, for then anyways. She had successfully opened up each one of her existing scars, each on bleeding profusely. She did nothing to stop it.

"Quinn?"

Her eyes widened.

_Shit... No one can find out about this..._

"Quinn? You in here?"

She rushed about, wrapping toilet paper around her middle in a desperate attempt to stem the bleeding. She flushed the chain and left the cubicle, grabbing her bag behind her. Santana was waiting.

"You okay, Q? You've been in here a while."

"Yeah I'm fine. Just getting my head together. Any news?" It all came out a bit too rushed.

"Quinn... What's going on?"

"Nothing. Like I said, just taking a time out", she lied. "Has anyone heard from the doctors yet?"

"No. Not yet."

They both sighed, both their eyes getting glassier by the second.

"Oh my god, Q!" Santana's eyes darted to Quinn's stomach. "You're bleeding!"

So, the toilet paper didn't work after all.

"Oh damn it! I fell coming in here. I didn't realise it was that bad! That explains why it hurts so much!"

Santana eyed her friend questioningly. "You're so clumsy. Ready to go?"

The conversation could wait until later so she just brushed it off.

"Yeah. Just let me wash my hands."

She ran her hands under the faucet, the water representing how she felt at the time. Blue, lonely, depressed.

"Quinn it's seeping through your shirt. Let me look at that. My dad's a doctor." She went forward to grab the hem of her shirt.

"No!" Quinn yelled, jumping back suddenly. Santana noted the panicked look in her eyes. "Q, what's going on?"

"N-nothing." She knew she had cottoned on. She wasn't stupid. But she was not going to admit to ANYTHING.

"I'm not an idiot. Let me see." The attitude in the Latina was back. She had the blonde backed into a corner. She couldn't run. There was nowhere to hide.

"I'm not lifting my shirt up."

"I've seen you naked before. I don't care."

"We're in a public bathroom."

"Well done genius."

They went back and forth like this for quite some time, Quinn refusing and Santana arguing reasons not to care.

"What's so bad you've got to hide?"

"I'm not hiding anything."

"Quinn..."

"I'm serious. What is it you think I'm hiding. I already told you, I fell. No big deal."

"Don't lie to me. Your doing what Rachel's doing, aren't you?"

"No I'm not!"

"Quinn, I've watched two people close to me go through this, I'm not about to watch a third. Now let me see."

"But I haven't-"

"Lift up your shirt."

She shook her head.

"Either you do it, or I will."

She looked at her questioningly.  
"You know I will."

Knowing she had nowhere to hide, she shakily began to lift the hem of her shirt. When it was all the way, Santana knew she was right.

"Oh, Quinn..."

"Please don't judge me..."

* * *

Quinn was sitting on the sinks, while Santana was patching her up.

"How long's this been going on?"

"Ever since I lost Beth. I haven't done this for months, but with Rachel and all... I didn't know what else to do!"

Santana's heart broke at how vulnerable Quinn sounded. She pulled her into her arms.

"We're going to get you better. Both of you."


	29. You Couldn't Have Just Let Me Die?

**Hi! So, I'm not sure if I'm totally happy with this chapter. I've struggled to find time to write this week, but as promised, here's your update!**

Santana and Quinn, once they had both composed themselves, returned to their friends in Glee.

"Oh, there they are." Finn pointed out. "Where have you guys been? We've been worried sick!", he said as they approached.

They both hesitated.

"Oh, sorry." Quinn started. "It was all just too much. I took myself away for a while and Santana came to find me."

Finn walked up to his ex and put a hand on her shoulder. "It'll all be fine."

"Still no word?", Santana asked.

"Not a thing."

They huffed, before sitting back down in the chairs in the waiting room.

* * *

"Noah Puckerman and Quinn Fabray?" The doctor had finally arrived. "She's awake. She's very weak. We almost couldn't save her. It took us a long time to bring her round."

"But she's okay?", Puck asked, hurriedly.

"For now. We're keeping a close eye on her. Watching her every move. We're going to keep her in until she's well enough, and then we'll put her on a psych ward under suicide watch. We know she self harms, and we think she has an eating disorder. We're going to test her for anorexia later on though. For now, we're feeding her on a drip. She doesn't know that, so please don't tell her. There's no way she'll survive if she doesn't get the nutrients. She's much too weak."

This worried everyone further. But, at least she was okay. At least for now...

"She asked for Quinn and Noah. She wants to see the both of you."

Their faces stretched outwards. They were so ecstatic to see their friend, even if she was barely alive.

* * *

They took a deep breath before entering her room, not knowing if they were ready for the sight that awaited them.

They went in regardless, hoping she'd have at least been able to carry a conversation.

"Hey, Rach", Quinn said sweetly. "How you feeling?"

She stared blankly at the wall in front of her. Clearly traumatised by the events of the past couple of days.

"Rachel?"

Nothing.

"Rachel, you okay sweetie?"

Still no movement. Still no sound.

"Babe, you okay?"

Silence.

"Why couldn't you have just let me die?" She wore no expression. Each word seemed to take it out of her.

"Rach..."

"I mean it. I would have been so much better off. Everyone would have. 'A world without Rachel'. People would have liked that." Her voice was weak, but the words still remained powerful.

"Rachel... You don't mean that."

"Yes. Yes I do."

There was no arguing with her. She wanted to die. She actually wanted to die.

"Why don't you want to live anymore?"

"Because... Because... B- you wouldn't understand, okay?"

"Try us", Puck said, not demanding, but as though he wanted his answer.

She shook her head. She didn't want to open up. Not now, not ever.

"Rae... We just want to help. This-" Quinn pointed all around "-is no life. Not a good one anyways. You used to be so ambitious. You were going to get everything you dreamed of.

She just continued to stare blankly at the opposite wall.

"Rachel, what happened to that girl?"

"She's gone, okay?" Rachel snapped. "That girl has been slowly dying with every comment that has been made about me."

"Don't you want to be that person again?"

"You mean a fat, worthless slut?", she brought back.

"Rachel... That's not you. You're not that person. You've never been that person. We want the old Rachel back."

"She doesn't exist anymore. There is no Rachel anymore."

"There is. You're still you. You've just gotten really lost in a cycle of inner turmoil. We want to help you get out of that place. Isn't that right Puck?"

He nodded. He was lost for words. It was unbearable seeing Rachel like that.

"There is no way back. I'm stuck here. It's not a bad place. I like it here."

"What's to like, Rachel?!" Even Quinn was starting to get agitated now. "Starving yourself?! Hurting yourself?! That's not exactly anyone's idea of fun."

"Oh you don't understand Quinn!"

"We've been through this! I probably understand more than anyone!"

"Yeah but you're better!"

That silenced her. She wasn't better. Not long ago was she tearing her skin to shreads.

"Told you you don't understand."

Quinn still had nothing to say.

There was an awkward silence between the three in the room.

* * *

"Wait. What do you mean, Quinn's better now?" Puck finally picked up on that. Rachel and Quinn were so busy arguing, they didn't realise they'd just revealed Quinn's darkest secret to Lima's resident bad ass.

"Oh nothing."

"It's clearly something."

"Look, this is about Rachel, okay?"

"Tell me. I want to know."

She ignored him, trying to find an easy way out.

"I'm not letting this go, you might as well."

She hesitated, looking to and from the people she occupied her space with.

"Fine.", she huffed.

"I started cutting after we lost Beth..." she said quietly. "I couldn't handle it, giving her up, and I didn't know what else to do."

She started to cry. This was easily one of her biggest insecurities.

"It's okay. Just tell me."

She nodded. It was safe to tell Puck. He was only one more person, right?

"I did get better. I was clean for 3 months."

There was a silence.

"Why can I feel a but coming on?"

That was that. Quinn just broke down there and then.

"Quinn? What's going on?"

She never replied, just cried harder. That was essentially an answer in itself.

"Q? Are you still doing this to yourself?"

She took a shaky breath. "I wasn't... I promise. B-but before... I-I did it again.." She continued her heavy flow of tears. She never wanted a relapse. That was never going to help Rachel.

Puck pulled her in. "This won't be forever."

"I'm sorry Quinn. I'm sorry I lead you to do this. It's all my fault. Everything's my fault."

"Rachel..." she took her hand "It's not just your fault. I shouldn't have started again. I want to help you and this isn't exactly helping."

"It's not your fault. You're not to blame."

* * *

The three sat quietly for a while, simply just embracing each other's company. There was no time for that. It was time to get down to the nitty gritty.

"Rachel, I need to ask you something and I need you to be totally honest with me." Puck said.

"What?"

"Why did you cut yourself this time? Something must have happened. You were fine at the party."

"It doesn't matter."

"What do you mean 'it doesn't matter'?! Of course it matters! You nearly died!"

And that's what triggered the tears. That word... Died. Dead. Just like her fathers...

"Rachel?"

She just continued to cry. She hadn't even admitted to herself that they were gone. How could she tell other people?

"Come on, Rach, you've got to tell us. Let us help you."

"I've already told you, I'm past help."

The girl Puck and Quinn were seeing held no emotion. They couldn't even slightly tell what she was thinking anymore.

"Nobody's past help."

"I am"

"We're not giving up on you."

"Why not. I've already given up on me."

Quinn sighed, followed by Puck. They really didn't know what to do. This time, they really didn't know what was troubling the girl.

"No you haven't. Just because you're in a bad place right now, it doesn't mean you'll be here forever", Quinn spoke metaphorically.

"Then show me a way out! How the fuck am I meant to get out of this place?! Huh?!"

"Exactly. We can't tell you, unless you tell us. We can't help you out of this bad place if you don't tell us how you got here in the first place."

She finally felt as though she was getting through.

"I-I can't."

"Why can't you tell us, sweetie. You know you can trust us."

"Come on, babe, we just want to help you."

"Its just... It's just so horrible."

The waterworks seemed to be getting steadily worse. Rachel seemed to be becoming even more within herself, curling herself up to seem even tinier than she already does.

"You know you can tell us, babe", Puck was desperately trying to prompt her.

"It's too hard." Rachel said, while shaking her head at the sane time.

"Maybe telling us will make it easi-"

"My dads are dead, okay?"

Rachel finally cracked under the pressure, cutting Quinn off in doing so.

"Rachel..." Puck said.

"Don't. I don't want your sympathy."

"Then let me hold you."

Rachel agreed to this, allowing Puck to cuddle with her on the hospital bed.

"And this is why..."

"Yes, Quinn. That's why I'm here."

"You need to tell the doctors. They want you to see a psychiatrist and put you on suicide watch."

"No!"

"Rachel, it's for your own good."

"No! I'm not crazy! I don't need their help, I'm fine!"

"Rachel, you nearly died..."

"I've already said, it would have been better that way."

"And that's exactly why you need help! We can't do anymore than this! It's a lot of pressure on us too!"

The doctor came in overhearing the screaming war. "Is everything alright?"

No one knew what to say. Nothing seemed okay anymore.

"I'm afraid you two are going to have to leave now. The psychiatrist will be here soon."

"What?! You were serious?!"

"Rachel, the doctors want the best for you okay."

"Listen to her Rachel. Wise words have been spoken there. We just want you to get better."

And with that, everyone left the room, leaving Rachel to drown in all her sorrow.

* * *

"Do you know if there's anyone we can contact for her?" the doctor asked.

Quinn and Puck looked at each other awkwardly. This time, it was Puck's turn to break the news.

"She had two gay dads, but they, they're dead. That's why she tried to, to, you know." The doctor nodded in understanding.

"Is there no one else we can contact? It's just she might be here a while."

"What about Mr. Schuester? He's our teacher. Would that work?"

"I'm afraid not. For things like this, it has to be a relative, you know, for the paperwork to be signed."

The two looked at each other again, knowing the other was thinking the same thing.

"She has her birth mom, Shelby Corcoran. They aren't on the best of terms, but she's the only other relative we know of."

The doctor nodded in understanding.

"Do you know how to get hold of her?"

"We know her address, if that helps."

Apparently, it did. Shelby Corcoran was coming to see Rachel, whether she liked it or not.


	30. Building Bridges

**Hi everyone! I can't believe I'm on chapter 30 already! It seems like yesterday when I first starting writing this!**

**Anyways, I hope you like this chapter. I'm finally letting Rachel get the help she needs. There's A LOT of dialogue, so just bear with it!**

**A x**

"Hi Rachel, my name is Dr Blake, but you can call me Christine."

...

"Rachel?"

"Oh... Hi."

"I've been assigned as your psychiatrist and starting now we'll be meeting weekly. I'm going to help you work through any issues."

"Issues? I'm not insane."

Christine knew from that point Rachel was going to be a difficult case. She was well experienced though, she'd worked with all types of difficult cases; rape, assault, mental health- the lot. All the people she worked with had been through a lot in their lives, and Rachel was no exception. She knew one thing was for certain. It was going to take a lot to work through her case. Nothing seemed straightforward.

"I never said you were." she said calmly. "I just want to make sure you don't bottle up your feelings. It'll help, promise."

"Help with what?! My insanity?!" Rachel bit back. She really wasn't up for this.

"Rachel, calm down sweetie, I didn't mean it like that. I just want you to know that you always have someone to talk to, you know, if anything ever gets too much for you." She knew people. She'd dealt with this before. Self hate. Denial. She knew first impressions counted in her job. If patients were to take an instant dislike to her, there was no going back. All form of communication would be lost.

"Right okay, so, how are you feeling."

She had put up that wall again. She resembled a brick wall. There was no getting through to her.

"Rachel...?"

...

"Angry... Alone..."

* * *

Quinn and Puck were unsure. They knew Rachel was going to hate them for bringing in Shelby into all this, but surely it was for the best? They couldn't help her anymore. They couldn't leave her on her own.

_No. Shelby is the right thing to do. It has to be. For Rachel..._

They were probably trying to convince themselves more than anyone else.

But what about Beth? Neither knew how they would cope after seeing her. Maybe it would be too much for everyone...

_No. It's the right thing to do. It's definitely the right thing to do._

But Beth...

Seeing her for the first time since Quinn gave birth was going to break both of their hearts. But this wasn't about them. It was about Rachel. All about helping her get better.

_For Rachel._

The inner monologue was cut short by the presence of a long haired woman and a pram. Her expression was unreadable. She looked lost on her feet, distraught and annoyed at the same time. Shelby was a confusing character, and the glee club were about to find out why.

Shelby's mannerisms changed when she spotted the glee club. She didn't look as lost anymore.

"Where is she? Is she okay? What happened?"

It all came out in such a rush, it was almost impossible to understand what the woman was saying.

Puck explained everything that had happened to her, finishing with, "She's awake now, she's speaking, but emotionally, she's a mess."

Shelby groaned. "Oh, God..."

How she was acting was surprising to Puck, he didn't expect her to care- after all, she'd given her up twice- but she did.

Quinn was the first to spot her baby in the pram.

"Beth..."

Shelby shot up. "Quinn, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to bring her, but the sitter couldn't come over."

"It's okay. It's my fault she's not in my life."

"It's okay, Quinn," Puck said. "We'd have bumped into her sometime. Small town."

"You're probably right", she replied, into the boy's chest.

"Would you like to hold her, that's if you want to, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or anything..."

"Shelby, stop rambling, it's fine."

"Can I?"

Shelby nodded, picking up Beth and gently handing her to Quinn, who instinctively began rocking her in her arms.

"Hi, baby. I'm Quinn," she cooed. "Can you say 'quinn'?"

Beth blew a raspberry, causing everyone to laugh.

She was the light in all of this. An innocent baby who's fire still burns brightly.

"So, Rachel, then." Shelby said. "When can I see her."

She looked highly distressed, as though she had aged years overnight. Sick with worry, the diagnosis would be.

"Not long now I don't think", Will answered. "She's with the psychiatrist."

"She's not gonna want to see me."

"And that's probably true. But things aren't too late, you still have time to fix your relationship. It'll take longer now, given the, the situation, but I'm sure it will all be okay in the end. She has all of us to support her too."

She nodded in agreement. "I hope so..."

* * *

"And why do you feel that way?"

...

"Rachel?"

...

"I know you don't want to talk right now, but trust me, it's better to talk things out. Makes things easier to handle."

"I can't..." Her voice was small, quivering with every syllable she spoke.

"You can. I know you can."

Rachel took a deep breath.

"My dads were never really around, so I was always on my own for most of the time. I felt like they didn't want me, that I wasn't worth their time. But, but t-then they... They died. I couldn't take it anymore, so..."

"It's okay. I understand what you mean. I'm sorry for your loss. Obviously it hasn't been easy for you."

"But, it's not just me who got hurt. Everything's my fault!", she cried.

"What do you mean?"

"I've put so much weight on my friends... They're like another family to me."

"I'm sure they'll understand. You can't help feeling this way, but we're going to work through this."

Rachel nodded.

"Rachel, can I ask you something else?"

"O- okay..."

"I need you to be honest with me."

"S-sure..."

"Are you starving yourself? You're incredibly thin, and the doctor thinks you might have anorexia..."

Rachel didn't really know how to answer that one.

"It's okay. You can trust me, remember? I'm not going to judge you."

She took another shaky breath, before nodding her head.

"Y-y-yes... I am..." She'd never been honest about it before, but she was finally fed up of lying. It seemed that, all of her lies had finally caught up to her. There was no way out. She was trapped here, with this stranger, being forced to tell her innermost secrets.

"Okay, thanks for telling me that. It can't have been easy, but admitting that is a step in the right direction. You're finally showing that you don't want to be like this anymore."

She shook her head.

"What, Rachel?"

"I do want to be like this." She wasn't even making any eye contact anymore. She seemed lost. "I have to be skinny. I have to be perfect..."

* * *

"Oh what's taking so long?!" Shelby growled in frustration. She just wanted to see her daughter.

"She's with the psychiatrist, you know that." Will said. "She has a lot of... Issues, to take care of. They could be a while."

She sighed. "How did things ever get this bad?"

* * *

"You know, Rachel, you don't have to be skinny to be perfect. Besides. Nobody's perfect anyways."

"I have to be. It's the only way I'll ever be accepted."

"But you're accepted now, aren't you? You just said you've got a lot of friends."

"In society! The whole school hates me! They pick on me! They bully me! I get daily slushie facials! Does that sound like I'm accepted?!" Rachel had snapped- again.

"And is this the root of why you don't eat? Because you don't feel good enough?"

She nodded.

"Are there any other reasons? Beside your dads?"

She nodded again.

"Tell me."

This was all getting too much for Rachel. She'd never even came close to telling anyone about her life, let alone someone she only met 20 minutes ago.

"My- my mom..."

"What about your mom?"

"She put me up for adoption at birth, and l- last year. I- I met her a-and she, she re- rejected me all over again!" She put her head in her hands, talking about this was very painful for her emotionally.

"It's okay. You'll get through this. I believe in you."

Rachel shook her head in disagreement.

"I know you don't believe me now, but you will eventually. Now that we know the roots of why your here..." she knew in cases like this she had to choose her words VERY carefully. "I'll be able to help you to move on from this. You'll be happy again."

Rachel continued to shake her head. Christine sighed.

"Rachel, I think you might have depression. I'm going to see the doctor, and I might prescribe you with tablets to help you through this, okay?"

"I'm not depressed!", she snapped. "I've already told you, I'm not crazy! I don't need a prescription to get through this! I'll manage on my own!"

"I just don't want to see you get hurt again. I'll see you later Rachel."

And with that, she left the room. Until next time...

Rachel sunk further into her hospital bed, wallowing deeper and deeper into her sorrow. "I'm not crazy...", she breathed.

* * *

"Ms. Corcoran?" Shelby looked up. "You can see Rachel now. But be warned, she's not in the best state of mind."

She got up regardless, aching to see her daughter. She had been prepared, but she wasn't expecting to see her teenage daughter hysterically crying, gasping for air.

"Rachel!", she exclaimed, as she rushed over to her bedside.

"Shelby?! What are you... Doing h-here?", Rachel said between sobs.

"I'm here to take care of you", she replied soothingly. "You can't do this on your own. You're coming to stay with me."

Rachel gave shelby a horrifying stare. "W-what?! No! I'm not going with you! You abandoned me twice! You can't expect me to live with you after that!"

Shelby knew to expect this. She knew this news wasn't going to go down well.

"I know, honey, and I'm so, so, so very sorry. I guess I was scared. I didn't expect to see you so grown up. I didn't think you would've needed me anymore."

"I still don't."

"Sweetie, you need help. You don't know it yet, but you do. I want to help you. So please, just let me. I know you won't be able to trust me straight away, but I'd like you to be able to eventually."

"You replaced me."

"I didn't replace you. I wanted a second chance. I didn't think I'd ever get that with you, but now, now I think I will."

"I practically told you I wanted a relationship! But no, you threw me out like I was garbage." Her voice got quieter and quieter as she made her way through the sentence.

"I didn't want to make you feel that way. I just thought you didn't need me anymore."

"Well I did, Shelby! I was being bullied and slushied relentlessly! My dads didn't know what to do. I needed a mom! But where were you?! With your newer model."

"Rachel, I am so, so sorry. I had no idea any of this was going on... Is that why... ?" Shelby just pointed to the bed. Rachel knew exactly what she meant.

She nodded. "And other reasons."

"Like?"

Rachel hesitated. She didn't want to tell this woman her reasons for her actions. She was practically a stranger.

"Come on, Rach, talk to me. We need to be able to communicate if we're going to live together." Shelby was trying to drill into Rachel's mind that this wasn't an option. She'd be staying with her and that would be final.

She spoke incredibly quietly, barely above a whisper. "You... And my dads..."

"What about us?" She didn't expect her to be a factor in her illness, but she tried to remain calm about it.

"My dads were never around. You abandoned me- twice. I felt like no one wanted me. It just backed up everything everyone said at school."

"Oh, honey... I am so sorry you feel that way. I never ever wanted that to happen. I did want you, I still do. I just didn't think you needed me."

Shelby pulled Rachel into her arms.

"I'll never let you go again, I promise."


	31. Bye bye Rita

**Hi everyone, long author's note coming up! **

**This chapter has very little dialogue, so bear with it. It needs to happen to move the story along!**

**Anyways, this could be very triggering for some people, but at the same time should be motivational. I made this story to try and help people suffering from either self harm or an eating disorder, so I hope I'm doing it justice. I've never personally experienced self harm, so I've just gone off knowledge, but I do know what it feels like first hand to suffer from an eating disorder. I guess I've had my own 'Rita'. Just thought I'd tell you that for a little inspiration. It does get better!**

**As well, I've decided I'm going to delete my other story, 'Love Hurts'. I'm sorry to anyone following that, but I'm having major writer's block for it, so I'll try and write something with a similar storyline once I've finished with this story. I can't see having this one having much longer to go unless any of you can give me any ideas.**

**But for now, enjoy!**

**A x**

A week had passed since Rachel had been admitted. She was hoping, before long, they'd let her out. She did want to get out of there, so she was trying. The thing was though, she was expected to talk to Christine for assessment. But, she really couldn't think of anything she'd want to do less. She knew what she was doing though. She said exactly the right things to avoid the questions she didn't want to answer.

Shelby had been helping her as much as she could but it was really awkward. Don't get her wrong, she was grateful for the company, but neither knew what to say to the other. She had abandoned her for 16 years for Christ's sake! That's a long time. She was reluctant to tell Shelby things about her life. She had a long way to go before she'd get her trust. 16 years of abandonment does that to a person.

She was like a complete stranger. In fact, she _was_ a complete stranger.

It wasn't that she didn't want to start a relationship with her; after all, it was all she ever wanted. She just didn't know if she could truly trust her yet. That was why she was grateful to her other friends for company. They were more people to talk to. More shoulders to cry on.

She was especially grateful for Puck's company. He came to visit all the time, often refusing to leave. He'd come into her room.

"Hi, babe," he'd say, wanting to keep conversation light and friendly.

"Hello, Noah," she'd reply. She'd try to sit up, but she'd struggle in pain from her cuts. Puck would run round to help her, before climbing onto the uncomfortable hospital mattress to talk to her. The TV would be on low in the background, more for company than anything else. In a way, it kind of helped to keep the conversation going.

"How you feeling?", he'd ask.

"I'm okay", she'd reply, hardly convincing. It had been a week, and every day Puck would get the same response. There was no fooling him though. He could see there was no light in her eyes as she spoke. He had been accepting this answer for a while, but it was time for him to get brave. He had to. She had to know how much he cared.

"No you're not. But you will be, eventually. You've got all the support in the world, and all of us, every single last one of us want nothing more but for you to get better". She looked at him, understandably upset, but he carried on regardless. She had to hear this eventually. "It's not going to be easy, but you need to help yourself as well as let all of us in to help you too. We're all in this together."

She sniffled.

"It'll be okay in the end". He pulled her in close.

"I don't want to be this way anymore", she quietly admitted.

"I know. You're so strong, baby, so strong."

She looked up at Puck and smiled lightly. She puckered up for the Puckerman.

"I love you, you know that?" he said. It was the first time in their relationship either of them had said that.

* * *

She smiled remembering yesterday. Noah _loved _her. Her Noah. She loved saying that.

Rachel knew she had to get of there. Their relationship wouldn't work staying in one place forever. She did want to get better, it was just really hard. The cutting wasn't too much of a problem. She hadn't hurt herself since that night when she was admitted. Don't get anyone wrong, she had wanted to. Oh boy had she wanted to. But every time she had these urges, there was something there to help them go away. Quinn's singing, cuddles off her friends, support from Shelby, and most importantly, kisses from Puck. If, when she gets out, this kind of support was still around, then maybe, just maybe, getting better won't be so hard after all.

It was the eating disorder that was the problem. She did want to eat- she wanted to break free of the hospital walls that were chaining her in. But the thing was, she couldn't. In her eyes, she was still fat. Food could not pass her lips. It didn't help that the staff were forcing at least 3 good meals in front of her every day. For an anorexic, that's a lot. For a healthy person, that's a minimum. She had a go at eating them, but every mouthful was a complete struggle. She spent more time chewing and pushing food around on her plate than she did actually eating. It was hard for her. But they didn't understand that. She caught the disappointed looks the nurses would give her. She's been warned they'll have to feed her off a drip if she doesn't start eating better.

The nurses got in the way of everything. She wasn't allowed to go for a walk around in case she saw it as exercise. She wasn't allowed to go unaccompanied to the bathroom in case she was going to make herself sick. She wasn't even allowed to look in a mirror in case she didn't like what she saw.

That last one was probably a good thing. If she saw her reflection, then Rita would come out, judging her. She'd be too fat, she'd be worthless, nobody would want her. No. Rita hadn't been around that past week. She wasn't coming out again anytime soon either.

Rachel didn't like Rita. She didn't want Rita to be a part of her anymore. She needed to get rid of her, to banish her from her head.

And it was with that realisation, that Rachel realised she _wanted _to get better. She didn't want to be like this anymore. It was mentally draining, exhausting- physically too. It took a lot. She lost her fathers, nearly killed herself, and spent the past year of her life with her body eating itself, but she was finally seeing the light.

Admitting to yourself you need help is the first step in recovery.

Bye bye, Rita.


	32. Wishing for space

**I honestly don't know how much of this will be left but I don't think there's much more to go. Thanks for sticking by me and my story! **

**I've decided I really don't fancy deleting my other story after all but I do have block for it so if anyone has any ideas, please let me know.**

**Anyways, for now, enjoy!**

**A x**

It had been hard, but in 2 weeks, Rachel had managed to show enough improvement to be able to be _finally_ released from the hospital. Granted, she still hadn't really been eating, but at least she had been trying. She hadn't heard Rita's voice since she was admitted, but that didn't mean she wanted to gain weight. All she knew was she had to get better. Maybe she didn't want to for herself right now, but she had to. For her friends at least.

She also hadn't cut anymore since she first arrived. Everyone had been able to dismiss her urges. Through their support, she felt happier than she had in a long while. It had been 3 weeks since her father's deaths, but even so, things were looking up.

You might be thinking, better already? The answer's no. It will most likely always be 'no'. But she will always be better than she was.

The final straw was her father's funeral. That was when the realisation hit her. She had to get better. The doctors refused to allow her to go to the funeral, in apprehension that it would make her mental state worse. She had been recently prescribed medication for depression, and they didn't want to make her worse.

She had to get out of there for her fathers. She might have felt they didn't want her, but still, she had to make them proud. She figured, the quicker she was released, the quicker she could go to their graves, giving them a proper goodbye.

So yeah, it had been a week since her release, and she was making some _huge _adjustments.

* * *

Shelby had been great to her, trying to make things right between them, but Rachel found it anything but easy.

She wanted to forgive her mother, but no matter how hard she tried, she still felt betrayed by her. Constantly breathing the same air as her was tricky. She knew she couldn't keep it up for much longer. She had to get back to school.

"Shelby?" asked Rachel.

"What's up, hun?"

"I want to go back to school."

...

"Rachel are you sure? This is a _big_ step in your recovery."

"Yes. I'm sure."

"But, are you strong enough yet? You still look incredibly fragile..."

"I'll be fine. I have to go. I need to go."

"Rachel... What's brought all this on?"

But she couldn't look at her, her own mother. How could she look her in the eye and tell her that being with her is so, so, so difficult? If she told her, then she'd be betraying someone as well. Then she'd be a hypocrite.

"Rach...?"

...

"Look, you can tell me. We need to be able to talk to each other if our relationship is ever going to work. I want it to work, sweetie. Me, you, us, together. It's all I've ever wanted."

It was then when Rachel started to cry. She just felt so guilty, hearing her say that.

"Come on, talk to me", she urged.

Rachel sighed. "It's just, I want us to get on, I do, and we have been, but I need to get out", she started to ramble. "This is going to sound awful but, I can't help but feel betrayed by you still, leaving me and all. I'm finding it hard to adjust and we've been spending every second of everyday together and it's just, it's too much too start with. I need some space if this is going to work. I need you to trust me."

"Okay, calm down. I get that it's hard for you, I really do. I also want you to know I am so, so sorry for leaving. I didn't think you needed me anymore, but I was so, so wrong to think that. I'll let you go back to school, but under some conditions. After everything, all the lies you had to tell to keep all your secrets, I need you to understand that I find it hard to trust you too."

Rachel nodded.

"I will drive you and pick you up from school every day. I will make you a packed lunch and you will eat it with your friends and I will contact them to make sure you eat a substantial amount. Also, you are not to go to the bathroom on your own."

"Okay... I guess that sounds fair. But please, please, please don't pack too much food", she pleaded. "Too much is way too hard for me. You know I struggle with what you're making me eat now. I can't manage more."

"Don't worry, I won't, providing Noah and Quinn tell me you've eaten enough. And I know they won't lie to me."

"Okay then."

"Look Rachel, I know this arrangement is hard for you. It's hard for me too. But we need to be able to trust each other. I get that that won't happen straight away, but I'm hoping it will eventually. It's up to you for this, but are you ready to make this work?"

"I think so, Shelby. I think so."

"And I don't want you bottling up those feeling either. It's better to talk, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah", she replied, cheekily. She was definitely Shelby's daughter.

* * *

Rachel couldn't wait to tell Puck the good news that she'd finally be joining him back at McKinley. She knew he hated it there when he couldn't see her every day.

Rachel: **Hey babe, guess what?xx**

Noah: **Oh hey! Missed you today! What?xxxx**

Rachel:** Shelby said I can go back to school on Monday!xxxx**

Noah: **That's great, babe. But are you sure? That's a big **

Rachel: **I know. But I think it's a step in the right direction. Xxx**

Noah: **I'm so proud of you 3 xxxxxxx**

Rachel: **I'm kind of nervous though. What will people say? Do they even know why I haven't been in? :Sxx**

Noah: **I'm not sure if they know or not to be honest, Rach. But I promise you one thing, Glee have your back. They'll be some serious ass-kicking if anyone says anything to you. And if they don't know, we'll make up some bullshit!xxx**

Rachel: **Noah, language! And thanks. Love you xx**

Noah: **I love you too xxx**

Yeah, she really couldn't wait to get back to McKinley. She still saw everyone, but being cooped in the hospital, it wasn't the same.

This was true happiness she was feeling right now. Everything with Puck and Shelby was heading in the right direction. It was the first time in God only knows how many months she truly had no urge to cut herself.

**Sorry it wasn't very long- kind of a filler chapter.**

**R&R! xx**


	33. What! You're Pinning This On Me?

**Guess what? It's update time! **

**There really isn't much left of this story so enjoy it while it lasts! If anyone has any ideas for me to write a new stroy please let me know.**

**A x**

Rachel woke up the next morning physically exhausted. She still hadn't fully recovered anyways, so her lack of sleep was certainly taking its toll on her. But to be fair, who wouldn't be nervous about going back to school? Especially given everything she had been through.

No one knew if the student body of McKinley knew why she hadn't been in school, but they were about to find out. That's what Rachel was most nervous about. It was the not knowing that scared her.

She needed to do something to calm her nerves, even if it did make her even more tired.

She jumped onto her elliptical, running her problems away. She was at it for a good half hour, running as fast and as carefree as she could. It was no surprise that Shelby was worried when she walked in on her vigorous exercise session.

"Rachel?! What are you doing?!" She seemed really annoyed. Rachel knew Shelby didn't like her to exercise without her knowing, so basically, she had betrayed her trust.

"I thought we talked about this", she went on, as Rachel slowed down the machine. "Exercising like this is only going to make you worse. I don't want you ending up in the hospital again."

Rachel hopped off. "Shelby, look. I'm so sorry, I am. But sometimes I have to do this. Running takes away all my problems. When I run, I don't have to think about anything else but moving my feet. I'm sorry, but I was so, so nervous."

She was a little frightened of Shelby right then. It wasn't that her being scared her; it was more the fact that she didn't know how she'd handle Rachel disobeying her. She was still yet to get into trouble with her older double.

Surprisingly, other than a sigh, she showed very little reaction.

"Oh, sweetie, come here." Shelby pulled her daughter into a tight hug. "I get it, I do. Going back today sure as hell can't be easy. I know you can do it though, baby, you really can. You're so strong."

"You're not yelling at me?"

"No. I should, but I won't. I'll let it slide this time. But don't exercise without letting me know next time. I need to keep track of what you burn and how much you take in. I want to get you better."

"I really have no freedom in this, do I?"

"You will eventually, but for now, until I can see a little progress, we've just got to be careful. You do understand that right?"

"I guess", she shrugged.

Shelby pushed Rachel up. "Now go on, go shower. You've got a busy day ahead."

* * *

When Rachel was walking through the doors of McKinley, she was literally trembling with fear, even though her fellow loyal glee club were surrounding every inch of her. She could practically feel everyone's eyes staring at her. Surely they didn't know her secret, right? No one had said anything, so it must have been impossible.

"It's fine Rach, I promise. Just ignore them. There's no way they could know," Puck reassured.

She silently agreed, but with every step she took, the level of whispering seemed to increase, making her feel even more claustrophobic than she did in her mind already.

_I thought I came here to get a break..._

By the time the stampede of teenagers reached her locker, Rachel didn't know if she'd be able to get through the day. She threw her head against her locker in frustration.

"Why do they care so much?"

"I don't know, babe. They're probably just trying to figure out why you haven't been in for so long. You're never out of school, remember?"

She nodded, hoping he was right. However though, she could help but think the worst.

"It'll be fine. We've planned it all out. Each of us are always going to be with you for every lesson, so stay close, and all awkward questions should be avoided."

Rachel looked round at her friend's smiling faces, all so encouraging. _Friends._ She liked being able to say that. She'd never had friends before.

"Thanks guys." It was enough to say. They all knew how much small efforts of friendship meant to her.

That was when Mr Schue and Miss Pillsbury came running towards them. Emma had felt awful that she hadn't spotted the signs of Rachel's depression sooner and hadn't listened properly to Quinn when she came for desperate advice.

"Guys, I think you all need to come with me. Now" the man said. The tone in his voice meant that this could lead to nowhere good.

* * *

"What's going on Mr Schue?" An intrigued yet slightly nervous Puck asked. With everything that had been happening lately, he was right to be nervous. This could literally have meant anything.

"Uh guys we really don't know how to tell you this but, uh, they know."

"What do you mean?"

"It's okay, I'll explain", Emma said. "They don't know the full story- the extent if what has happened- but everyone here knows something is seriously wrong with you, Rachel", she continued. "Jacob Ben Israel somehow managed to get pictures from the night you were admitted to hospital. It didn't say much, but Jabob has listed possibilities in his blog."

"What?!" Puck yelled. "Hasn't sue been through enough?!"

"Noah, calm down" the ginger teacher suggested.

"Calm down?! How do you expect me to calm down?! My girlfriend is undergoing more vicious attack from the student body and you expect me to just calm down?!"

"Look, I know you're angry but you're not helping." She nodded in the direction of Rachel. She was crying. Again.

"I want to see." She said, meekly.

"Baby, are you sure? He could has written anything."

"Yeah. I'm sure."

Mr Schue handed over the print out of the abuse Jacob had written about.

**"Rachel Berry- somewhat annoying, self obsessed diva- has been photographed being taken away to hospital by ambulance. And she looked seriously ill.**

**On the left, here she is, being escorted into the ambulance, looking incredibly frail and agile- covered in blood. If you look closely, you can see Noah Puckerman, stud and man-whore, looking very stressed out and annoyed with himself. Could this be all his fault? Did he do this to Rachel?**

**We can't be for sure, but pictured also are the ambulance crew, coming out of the Berry household carrying sealed bags disguising something important to do with Rachel's sudden fatality. A weapon, perhaps? **

**Of course, there could be other reasons for this; an accident, self harm, attempted murder from a vicious man who broke in- but the signs do add up. Rachel Berry almost died. And it seems it is her boyfriend's fault. **

**So why did she go back to him? Can't she remember anything from that night? Is he convincing her he isn't as dangerous as he seems? There's nothing for sure, but from these photos:**  
**THE STUD WE KNOW IS NOT THE STUD WE THOUGHT WE KNEW."**

"He pinned this on me?!"

"Noah, chill. We know it's not your fault." Rachel's voice was monotone. Scarily monotone. It was like she held no emotion within her. She had nothing to feel.

"How can you be so calm about this?! He's sick! He's making everything worse!"

"What will be will be. Now come on, we'll be late for class."

Puck watched her get up and followed her closely behind, exchanging concerned looks with his peers and teachers. This was not normal behaviour.

He must admit, even Puck thought following Rachel so close seemed rather stalker-ish, but she wanted him to follow. He also knew she needed her space. When he looked onto all the stares they were receiving from the whole of McKinley- the same ones as earlier- he finally realised what they were. Not stares of pity and concern, but stares if disgust and hatred. Stares that would kill Puck if he wasn't careful. It was sick how a simple lie so cruel could turn everyone against him. He had to clear his name, but there was no way of doing that without revealing Rachel's biggest secret.

_I could never do that to her._

He sighed, with the knowledge that it was going to be a terribly long day.


	34. To be at war with oneself

**Hey! Here's chapter 34! After this, there's only one more chapter :( I've really enjoyed writing this so it'll be a shame to stop. I'll be looking for new inspiration for a new story so any ideas, let me know! It might take me longer than a week to write the final chap as I want to make it as good as I can, so if there's no update next week, that's why!**

**Anyways, I give you chapter 34!**

**A x**

Puck was right. It was indeed an incredibly long day. It was safe to say, both himself and Rachel were glad to get out of there.

The stares and whispers never took a second to pause all day. "Why did she take him back? Is she stupid or something? Did Puck really put her in hospital? Surely he couldn't have done that to her? There was a lot of blood, though". And so the list went on. And that was the couple's day.

When they climbed into Puck's car and slammed the doors shut, silencing all the whispers, they finally let out a sigh of relief.

"Well that was stressful. I didn't think they'd have cared that I wasn't in." Rachel said.

Puck's hands on the steering shell were physically shaking with anger. "Well apparently they did. I'm going to kill him. I'm actually going to kill him. Then he really will have something to blog about." His voice was eerily calm, highlighting just how angry he was. He wasn't just mad, he was furious. You could practically see his ears burning.

"Babe, you gotta calm down. Just think, they'll eventually see sense. Nothing Jacob writes is true. They should know that by now." She was frustrated herself, but tried to keep calm- for Puck's sake.

"They think I'm a murderer. They all believe that I tried to kill you. How can they think that?! Why would I kill the one person I love more than anything in the world?!"

He really was fuming at this point. Image was something that mattered to Puck, and in one day, he'd fell right from the top of the social ladder, right to the bottom, landing with a thud. That's a long way to fall.

"But the people who you care about know the truth, and that's all that matters." Rachel knew she was fighting a losing battle, but she had to at least try and calm Puck down. They were driving, after all.

Puck didn't answer after that. They drove the rest of the way to Shelby's house in frightening silence. You could feel the tension gradually filling up the vehicle.

* * *

Puck was staying with Rachel for dinner that night, so she could thank him for everything he had done for her. When they walked through the front door, slamming it shut, Shelby could automatically sense something wasn't right. In fact, something was significantly wrong.

"Um, is everything okay?" She asked.

Rather than answer, the pair just sat on the couch in unison, not really sure what to do to ease the tension.

"You can tell me, you know", she encouraged.

Rachel looked over at Puck. He was still shaking. She knew he wasn't going to answer.

Taking a deep breath, she started telling the story all over again.

"Jacob, this sleazy guy at school, has always been one for stalking people, especially me."

From that point onwards, Shelby looked increasingly worried. Rachel was making no eye contact, and Puck was shaking with anger. She knew this wasn't going to lead anywhere good.

"Anyways, he'd somehow managed to get pictures from the night I was admitted to hospital. In the pictures, there was ambulances, me covered in blood, and Noah in the distance, looking angry. Now in reality, he was angry that he couldn't bring me round, but Jacob had assumed that he was on a rampage and had tried to kill me."

Shelby put her hand over her mouth in shock. "That's ridiculous! Everyone knows that Noah wouldn't kill anyone! These people are-"

"Can I finish?"

Shelby nodded.

"Everyone, for some reason, reads the hoax that is Jacob's blog. And for some bizarre reason, this time, have believed him. Now everyone thinks Noah is a potential killer, I'm a poor victim, and we're in a dangerous relationship, when none of it is true at all."

"Oh, I'm so sorry you two..."

"We just wanted a quiet day back..."

"I know, honey, I know."

Even Puck, beyond his anger, sensed his girlfriend's nervousness and put his arm around her to comfort her.

"Tell us what to do, Shelby, please." Puck asked. She knew he was desperate when he was acting like this, so quiet. He'd never felt so alone in the world than he did now. Everyone hated him, despised him. And it might seem silly- he doesn't talk to these people anyways- but like he said, image is important to him.

"There's nothing you can do. You obviously can't say what actually happened, so unless you can come up with a good cover, you'll just have to wait for the heat to cool down."

They both sighed. Nothing was any use. The rumours, the stares and the whispers would continue.

"I'll give you some space and go start dinner."

* * *

They seemed to lie there for what seemed like forever. Neither knew what to say to the other to make themselves feel better.

"Is this what it feels like, to be at war with yourself?" he asked.

Rachel nodded sadly. "Where you don't know what to do. One part of you tells you one thing and the other part tells you another? Like you're being ripped apart?"

"That's exactly how it feels."

"I get it. I do. It's a horrible feeling. Can I tell you something?"

Puck silently agreed.

"Okay, but you can't tell anyone. I'll do that when I'm ready. When I was at the height of my, you know." He squeezed her hand in understanding, sensing she was obviously struggling. "I had this voice... Rita. She was like my other half, telling me what to do. Except, she wasn't helpful. I thought she was at the time, but it was her who was telling me I wasn't good enough, that starving was better, that purging was better. That if I didn't do it right or lose enough weight that cutting was a punishment. I didn't want to do what she said, but it was so, so... Persistent. I had to. Eventually she became my comfort, I could tell everything to her, and she would tell me exactly how to cut or starve to make it all better. So everything became an addiction. Getting rid of her was like getting rid of a part of me. But I'm no longer at war with myself, and it feels incredible. Sometimes I can hear her voice, but I refuse to listen. I push her voice to the back of my mind and carry on with the day. I don't want Rita anymore. She ruined my life once and she's not doing it again."

Rachel felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. It felt good to finally tell someone that.

"I'm so proud of you." Puck praised. "Thanks for telling me that", he said, before engulfing her into a kiss.

Neither of the two said anything for a while- they just embraced each other's company, but Rachel eventually spoke.

"She's wrong, you know"

"Who?"

"Shelby."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to make a cover for that stupid blog. I'm sick of lying. But we can't just wait for the heat to die down either."

"I don't understand."

"I think I have a way of getting people off our backs."

"Which is...?"

"You'll see."

"No, tell me."

"If I tell you you'll try to stop me."

"No, Rach... Please don't do anything stupid. I can't lose you."  
He begged.

"Kids, dinner's ready!" Shelby called.

"Come on, let's go." She said.

"No, you've got to tell me. Let me help you."

"No, this is something I've got to do alone. I think it's for the best, though. Trust me."

"Oh, it's a good job I do!"


	35. Finally Okay

**Well here it is, the final chapter. Sorry it took SO long to write- I've been really busy. I'm going to miss writing this, and it's been great hearing your views. Still, any new ideas are welcome, I've already had a couple, so we'll see what happens. If you've enjoyed this, put me on Author Alert for when I eventually start to update a new story. **

**Enjoy!**

**A xx**

Rachel was incredibly nervous the next morning when she woke up in Puck's arms. She took a look at him and sighed. He knew he wasn't going to like what she was going to do, but she had to do it. Not only was she desperate for her boyfriend's name to be cleared, she needed some closure for herself.

Rachel shook him off her so she could go to start getting ready. He really wasn't going to like this...

Page break

When they pulled up outside McKinley in Puck's 4x4, Rachel's anxiety for her plan was through the roof. But no, she had to do this.

"You okay babe?"

She nodded at him in reassurance. "Yeah, but erm... I'll see you later."

She took off into the school, leaving Puck calling her name. "Wait! What are you doing?! Please don't do anything stupid". His voice got gradually quieter as he yelled after her. She was gone. Now it was him who had the major anxiety. She'd had a hard time, he didn't want to make anything worse. But if there was going to be any trust in their relationship, he was going to have to leave her to do her own thing from time to time.

* * *

Head down, not wanting to cause a scene, Rachel walked quickly straight into Principal Figgin's office, ignoring his assistant's pleas to knock and wait. She wasn't waiting. If she was going to to this, she was going to do it now, while the momentum was still there, while she still felt the urge. Once she'd asked Figgin's this all important question, there was no going back. That was why she was in adamant refusal to wait. It was now or never.

"Oh Rachel, please do take a seat." The principal said sarcastically.

"Look, I'm sorry for just barging in on you like this, but I really need to ask you something."

"Go on.." he encouraged, whilst pointing to the chair at the other side of his desk. She accepted the offer to sit down.

"I'm not sure if you've heard the rumours, you know... The ones about Noah."

"Yes, I have. And I'm sorry you both have to deal with this, you've been through enough."

"Thank you." She said gratefully. "Well anyways, I can't deal with seeing him like that. It's not even a little bit true, but for some reason, everyone thinks it is. He's done a lot to help me, and I want to do something to help him." Rachel looked up for any sign if encouragement. He just stared at her in silence, and that silence was just the space she needed to feel an urge to continue. "I want to tell everyone personally it's not true. Would there be any way I could ask everyone in an assembly?" she asked politely.

He looked thoughtfully, trying to weigh up whether this was a good idea or not.

"The thing is though Miss Berry, what if they don't believe you? I don't want you to get worse. I understand that you're going through a lot right now."

"They will. I'm not just going to tell them, I have a whole speech planned out. If they don't believe me after that, something is seriously wrong with humanity."

"Well okay then, if you're sure this is what you want to do, I'll call for an assembly this afternoon in the gym."

"Oh thank you so much!" As Rachel turned to leave, she realised something, turning back around quickly. "And erm... Can you not tell Noah? He doesn't know I'm doing this and I know he'll try to stop me. I know this is for the best, though."

Principal Figgin's sighed. Even he was doubting how much of a good idea this was now. He reluctantly nodded in agreement.

"Thank you, thank you." Rachel replied excitedly, as she walked out the door. But once she saw the faces if the entire student body, the expressions she was going to pour her heart out to later in the day, that excitement was flushed to nerves. She couldn't be nervous, though. Her boyfriend was in need, and she had to do something to help him.

* * *

Afternoon finally dragged by, and Rachel was hiding behind the curtains on the makeshift stage in the gym, peering at some of the faces that were rolling into the hall. They all looked so confused. Some worried. Some nervous. And some didn't have a care in the world. They were all right to feel like this. Assemblies were never called in the afternoons. And if they were, they'd be given some warning earlier on in the week. They knew it must be important.

She waited for everyone sit down, before emerging from out of the curtains to the centre of the stage. She saw Puck put his head in his hands as soon as he saw his girlfriend out there, knowing that she was about to clear his name. He was concerned for her. Who said they'd believe him.

Rachel coughed to clear her throat. "Hi, I'm Rachel Berry. Some of you know me, some of you don't. But I'm pretty sure mostly all of you will have seen Jacob Ben Israel's little blog about me and Noah Puckerman."

Everyone started booing almost immediately upon hearing Noah's name. Rachel was outraged, she had no idea what to do. She looked over at principal Figgin's for help, and he came rushing over.

"Quiet!" He dragged out, yelling. "Rachel wants to tell you all something, and therefore you are going to listen." They all shut up after that, not used to hearing their principal snap at them like that. She nodded at him in thanks, before looking out at her audience for encouragement. Her boyfriend still had his head in his hands.

She usually liked being on stage, bit this was one Hell of a lot different.

"Well, I'm here today to tell you once and for all that the blog itself wasn't true, and the photos with it had been twisted to make my boyfriend look bad. I know we've said all that a thousand times this past week, and none of you believed us, so I'm going to tell you all the story behind those photos, and maybe, just maybe, you'll believe us then." She said that last part with a bit of sarcastic attitude, showing just how serious she was about this. As she was about to continue, she saw someone get up in the audience. Noah.

"Rachel, please, you don't have to do this. Surely there's some other way?"

"There isn't, Noah. Just let me do this. I'm ready."

Quinn stood up at this. "Rach, not that I'm trying to put you down or anything, 'cause this here, what you're doing for Puck is really sweet. But are you sure about this? It could make everything worse?"

"No, Quinn. I am definitely sure. It's the only way to clear his name."

Then, Brittany and Santana stood up together. "Well in that case then, you're not doing this alone", Santana announced. "We're coming down there."

Rachel couldn't help but beam the biggest grin she'd held in a long time. The amount of support she continued to get from her friends almost made her burst with pride. She watched as Santana and Brittany came down off of the bleachers, followed by Quinn, followed by Puck, followed by the entirety of the Glee Club. Nothing could stand in her way now. Not now that she had everyone behind her, literally.

She took a shaky breath.  
"Thanks to all of you who bullied me, making me feel like I was a waste of space, nothing, meaningless in this world, I began to cut. I didn't start off intentionally, I'd just cut myself shaving my legs, but it felt good, a release from all the other pain I was feeling."

She took a pause, looking round the room. Facial expressions were impossible to read. They all looked blank, as though they couldn't believe the information they'd just received. Suddenly, she felt a squeeze on her hand. Quinn.

"Go on," she whispered. "We're right here. If you have to stop at any point, you can." Rachel nodded.

"On top of that, I developed an eating disorder, and I'm not going to sugar coat it- it was bad. I am still struggling with both of these now, but thanks to these guys behind me, I am so so much better than I was. Anyways, both were getting worse and worse, and one night, I got home to discover that my dads had had an accident on a business trip and hadn't made it to see the next day." At that, she began crying. It was becoming difficult to carry on.

Puck leaned in. "Do you need to stop babe? It's okay if you do. You've come this far, you've already done so well."

It was sweet of him, yes, but it didn't fulfil what she wanted to achieve.

"Thanks.. But, I'll stop as soon as I've cleared your name."

Puck nodded, letting her do what she wanted to do, but putting his arm around her so she knew he was always there.

"I just couldn't handle that news..." she continue. "My dads were dead and I never even got to say goodbye." Her voice cracked there, tears rolling freely off her cheeks. "To say I cut that night was an understatement. The next day, we had a Saturday rehearsal for Glee, and after like, 2 hours, I still hadn't showed up. Everyone got worried, so Noah came to find me. He had to ram my front door down to get in and found me with an incredibly weak pulse on my bathroom floor. If it wasn't for Noah I would have died. That was why I was being carted off in an ambulance covered in blood, and that was why Noah was at the scene, also covered with my blood. Not because he had hurt me, but because he had helped me. I was in hospital for ages after that. They had me on suicide watch, and they wouldn't let me go to my own father's funeral, in case it made me worse. It took a while for me to want to start getting better, which is why I wasn't around for so long. I got out just last week, and I'm now living with my birth mother. Things are going well and I am proud to say I haven't cut in 3 weeks. Judge me if you will, but now you know my story. Now you have proof that Noah never hurt me, but he saved my life. Thank you."

After that, she ran behind the curtains and broke down in floods of tears. Noah caught her before she hit the floor. "I can't... Believe... I just... Did that!" she got out between breaths.

These weren't sad tears, these were happy tears, that she'd finally had some closure, finally cleared Noah's name. She could walk round freely now. She didn't have to hide anything anymore.

"I am so proud of you baby, so proud. Thank you so much for doing that for me."

She looked up and him and smiled. "I love you so much"

"I love you too", he replied, engulfing her into a kiss.

They heard a cough, causing them to look up. "Get a room, you two!" Santana yelled. Everyone laughed, including Noah and Rachel. How long had everyone been standing there?

* * *

On the way out, Rachel thanked Principal Figgins for letting her hold an assembly.

"You did good Rachel, well done."

The praise didn't stop there. All down the corridors, she got mixed looks of sympathy, but of gratitude as well. They were all grateful that after everything they had done to her, she had still shared her story.

As she walked more and more, she was stopped by a face she didn't recognise. "Can I ask you something? In private?" she said.

"Yeah sure..." Rachel replied confused. She turned to her boyfriend and friends. "I'll catch up. Tell Mr Schue I'll be there in a minute."

The girl grabbed her hand and dragged her into the girl's bathroom.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"Oh sorry, it's just I really wanted to talk to you. I'm Hanna White, freshman."

"In that case then it's nice to meet you", Rachel said, shaking her hand.

"Can I see them?"

"Excuse me?" This was definitely one of the most weird conversations Rachel had ever had.

"Your cuts. It doesn't matter if you don't want to. You're probably not comfortable with that. I'm sorry I asked. This is why people don't talk to me. I'm too full on. I push everyone away. Oh, I'm rambling again. I'll just leave, sorry."

"Hanna, wait." Rachel called, stopping her from leaving. "Can I ask why you want to see them?"

"I erm... I cut too.. I just was curious. I don't like doing it, but I have too. I just wanted to see someone else's. I don't know why. I just do."

"So you know you're not alone?"

Hanna nodded.

"No, I understand." Rachel jumped up to sit on the sinks, motioning for Hanna to join her. As soon as she sat next to her, Rachel said, "I don't mind showing you, but I'm going to have to ask for you to show me yours too, is that okay?"

Hanna nodded in agreement, after thinking about the proposition being laid out in front of her.

Rachel rolled up her sleeves, and so did Hanna. They both stared at each other's cuts, examining the others. Hanna's weren't nearly as bad as Rachel's, which was great. She could help her before it was too late.

"Do you have more?" she asked.

"Do you?" Rachel asked back.

She nodded guiltily, a lone tear running down her face.

"Hey... Don't cry." Rachel wiped away her tears. "The fact that you've came to me proves that you want help. I never did that. Look I'll show you what a mess I've made of my body."

She rolled up her shirt and rolled down her pants, revealing just how many red scars she was covered with.

"Wow... I never knew it could get that bad..."

"Can I see your others?"

Hanna rolled up her shirt too, revealing just 5 relatively new cuts.

"I only just started on my stomach."

"Can I suggest that you don't continue? Get out now before it gets as bad as mine. Thanks for showing me those, and I really am honoured that you came to talk to me. The fact that you just reached out shows you want to get better, but maybe you could try talking to someone, Miss Pillsbury, perhaps?"

"Yeah, o-okay."

"I know it's hard, but you'll thank me in the long run. Why did you start cutting?"

Hanna sighed. "Same reason as you, I guess. Bullies. No one likes me, no one dares talk to me. They couldn't bear to be seen with the freak."

Rachel didn't say anything. She knew from personal experience that nothing she said would help.

"Here, pass me your phone."

As soon as Hanna gave Rachel her phone, she started putting numbers in. "There. Now you have my number and someone to talk to. Just promise that if you ever get the urge to cut, you'll call me and we'll talk until that urge goes away? Trust me, it works, my friends have been doing it for me for weeks."

"Yeah, I promise."

Rachel got up to walk away. "I've got glee now, so I'll see you around?"

"Glee... I've always wanted to join, but I've always been too scared."

Rachel grabbed her hand. "Come with me. I'll sing with you for your audition, whatever you want. We just might be the medicine you need to get better."

Hanna grinned the widest grin Rachel had ever seen. "You really mean that?"

She nodded. "Come on."

* * *

Walking into glee, she entered to the sound of applause.

"Well done Rachel", Mr Schue started, "we are all so so proud of you for what you did today."

"Thanks, Mr S, but I couldn't have done it alone." she replied, looking out at glee. "Oh and by the way, this is Hanna, she'll be auditioning with me next week, is that okay?"  
Everyone nodded, loving Rachel's new found confidence, as confidence that wasn't an act.  
She mouthed to everyone, "later", with regards to Hanna. She'd need the girl's permission to tell them her story.

Mr Schue continued talking, Noah held her hand and she felt Hanna sitting right up close to her, as a source of comfort. She wasn't listening to today's lesson, she was too wrapped up in her own thoughts. But this time, it was for good reason. She was thinking about the miraculous turn her life had taken. She had great friends, a boyfriend she loved, supportive teachers, no one in the student body was being judgemental like she expected. They'd either sympathised for her or felt pride for the girl. No snotty comments had been made. Things with Shelby weren't going too badly, which surprised everyone, really. She'd even been able to help people in the same position. Even though she was still recovering from both self harm and anorexia, she finally felt like she had her life together.

Rachel, for the first time in a very long time, at last felt like everything was going to be okay.

**So was it worth the wait, or d'you hate it? Either way, I'd love to hear from you. **

**Until my next story!**

**A xx**


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